SAUDADE, tim drake

one last time.

THE UNIVERSE IS A VAST PLACE. Hundreds, even thousands of realities that he knows of. Yet he asks himself, why is he in one where she isn't there?

He's not alone, he knows that. His brothers, his sister, his friends and his family, they were all there for him. Yet why, why does it feel so lonely?

Perhaps its the fact her laughter once echoed throughout the dark cave as he worked, even if it were through his phone. Maybe, it was the fact he used to look forward to going out for once, to see her get better even if she laid on that bed. It might be the fact that whenever she's around, the only thing he would look forward to was being with her.

But now she's gone, and memories like those were only reminiscent in the air with not the slightest chance of coming back,

"Tim?"

Tim stayed silent. He could speak but not a single word came out. He laid on his bed, staring up at the blank ceiling.

"Tim, it's Jaycee."

Right. Her funeral.

The day he watches the girl he cherished gets lowered down into the ground. The way he'd watch her peacefully buried as she finally could rest after years of suffering with a heart that didn't beat the right way.

"Tim, we're about to leave."

What use would it be to tell him? To tell him once again that she's gone? To tell him that she's no longer waiting for him as she sits on her bedside window?

"Tim, I know you miss her; hell- we all do. But none of us could've expected this to happen, it's not your fault."

Tears pooled in his eyes. The day that was supposed to be his birthday ran through his mind over and over again. His hands trembled, his lips pursed as he refused to let out just a sliver of sound. All he could remember was the call from Jaycee, sobbing over the phone as she told Tim she was no longer with him- with any of them.

"I remember the day you first texted her, Tim. She's never looked so annoyed." Jaycee laughed, sadly. "I told her to block you, that you could've been a pedophile or something worse. Yet she still talked to you regardless of what I told her. I'm glad she didn't."

"Ciara... never looked forward to recovery, like there wasn't a point to it in the first place. Every new prescription, doctor's visit or checkups always fell on a flat line. Yet you came, and you gave her a reason to look forward to it. A reason to get better. In my years of taking care of her, Tim, she's never looked happier than when she was with you."

Tears now poured down his cheeks, the pillow below him now damp with his salty tears. Yet he still refused to utter a single word, a single noise or move the slightest. He laid flat, quiet and still, refusing to react to a single word Jaycee uttered. He's not ready to accept the fact that she's now gone, he still needs time.

A sigh could be heard from behind his door. The sound of paper was heard as he saw through the corner of his eye that a simple letter was passed under his door. "I found this... in Ciara's stuff. It seemed like it was for you but she never decided to send it. I'll let you decide what to do with it. I'll get going now."

The sounds of Jaycee's steps slowly faded as Tim was once again left in the silence of his room with only his clock keeping him company. He leaned on his side, watching the white envelope lay on the ground with a weak gaze.

He slowly reached for the envelope, feeling his fingers brush the smooth surface before picking it up.

"It isn't even properly pasted on." Tim coarsely spoke, the ends of his lips curling up as he looked at the flap glued messily onto the body. He slowly peeled it open, not wanting to break it as it was the only thing he had left of her. The letter fell out immediately, handwritten and all. Tears slowly start to pool in his eyes once more as he recognize her sloppy writing, the way her Os were always written with a little loop on the top and how she could never write the ampersand properly. His eyes read her words, the heavy feeling in his chest growing heavier as his hands shake in place.

Sup bozo, it's Ciara.
I don't exactly know how to write proper letters cause if I did, it'd be really cheesy and you'd most likely make fun of me for it if you ever found this letter so I'll make do with whatever word comes to mind.

I remember the first time you texted me. I was surprised, really. I mean it's not everyday you get a random number texting you 'oo test tube baby broke my phone help im so sad'. I was annoyed honestly. I mean, you didn't stop texting and I had to gamble that you were just a 10 year old that didn't know when to stop or a 70 year old into disrespectful teens. Either way, I still took it and honestly; hate to say it but I don't regret it.

I've never looked forward to each day considering it was just constantly doctor visits, avoiding monthly villain attacks (now daily hostage situations) and more prescriptions but honestly, talking to you made it a bit better. Or slightly worse. It depends really. You really showed me that even if im stuck to a bed and having drugs constantly injected in me to live, it wasn't all that bad.

Let's not forget when we had our first fight which led you to finding out. I mean, that was fucking dumb. We were both in the wrong, especially me considering I was just pissed over something you couldn't exactly control. Still, it was a complete dumb move that led us to meet each other face to face.

I gotta admit you looked completely different from the photos online. I mean you dress like a mom dressing her son for his first day of school compared to the photos where you wear high class suits and all. I kinda had to hold in my laughter cause you were literally standing there too like the standing emoji.

Tim, this is going to be fucking cheesy and it's hurting me to write this but thank you. Thank you for being the most annoying piece of shit that never stopped texting me. You made me look forward to a lot of things and being with you felt like a fever dream. If the day comes where my body starts rejecting the meds and I pass, please please please, I don't want you to wallow over me. You've made me the happiest I've ever been in 6 years and I don't want you to be sad when I finally leave.

Tim, I love you so much and I really do mean it. I'll never be able to tell you this cause frankly, I don't think it'll be fair of me to tell you and pass once I do.

Enough of this sappy stuff. Tim, you're the best thing that came from these depressing years that came to be. Take care, I love you.

Ciara.

He bit his lip, refusing to let a single noise out. He could taste the blood seeping into his mouth as he held back a strained sob. The letter in his hands shook as he tried not to crumple the paper. His eyes caught a single line at the bottom of the page, written in small letters as his fingers brushed over them.

P.S Red Robin's my favorite now.

The sobs he held back now left as he screamed his heart out. He held the paper close to his chest, just hoping.

Hoping that if he wished hard enough, she'd be back in his arms, laughing as though this was all just a simple nightmare.

Hoping that if he wished hard enough, she'd still be in her bed waiting for Tim to visit her again.

Hoping that if he wished hard enough, that he'd still have time to say I love you and hear it back.

ONE LAST TIME