Don't You Have Enough Edgy Kids, Bruce?

I'm practically just writing a series of oneshots at this point

With patrol, school, work, and general mayhem, breakfast is the only real bat family meal, Nico is told.

After the dream he had with his father, he feels like he needs it, and not just for the seemingly magical healing properties of Alfred's food, which make him wonder whether the old butler is a child of Apollo.

Sass might be a genetic passed from the god if Will and his siblings are anything to go by, which further supports this theory.

"So demigods have magical dreams?" Barbara asks as she reaches for the eggs. She came in early to have breakfast with everyone before her job at the library. "Sounds tough".

"Yeah, most of them", Nico confirms. "Though I gotta tell you, sometimes it's a good thing. Conveniently tells us things that come into play later and stuff."

"Your dad kinda sounds like a dick", Jason says with a mouth full of bacon.

"He's not so bad nowadays", Nico says. He thinks of the other dads he knows of, and not even just the godly ones. Thinks about the way things used to be with his dad, after Bianca.
"Could be way worse. I'm lucky to have any sort of relationship with him."

Steph hums through a mouthful of food.

"My dad was pretty much a shit bag", she says, thankfully after swallowing. "Like, real bad. But that doesn't mean your bad dad isn't still crappy in his own way, y'know?"

Cass shifts.

She's hard to read, but Nico thinks she might be uncomfortable.

Steph watches her for a moment too, then speaks again with a finality in her tone.

"We're all lucky to have Bruce now", she says.

Bruce isn't there yet, the only one missing at the table other than Alfred who is still busy in the kitchen.

From what Nico heard, Bruce had a late night stopping a diamond heist or something like that, though he would have thought that'd be nothing for the great batman.

Damian yawns from his seat at the head of the table, and it sounds absolutely adorable.

Even though it seems awfully suicidal of them, everyone coos and awws at the cuteness.

Surprisingly, all Damian does is glare at them.

He must really love his family after all.

"I stayed up last night helping Jon with an essay over the phone", he explains grumpily. "He left it for the last minute, the buffoon."

"That's his bestie", Jason explains. "They're so freaking sweet, you would not believe it. Damian's totally soft for him."

"I am not soft!", Damian calls as he stands up. He's still wearing his pajamas. They have little cartoon ducks holding knives on them. "And you had better hold your tongue if you wish to keep it!"

"Then why is he the only one you let borrow your precious veggie basket manga?", Jason taunts.

It seems he doesn't have much regard for his life right after waking up.

Or ever, now that Nico thinks about it.

Damian practically growls.

"It's Fruits Basket, you ignorant ape, and he's the only one who understands the complexity of-"

"Oh please, if by twenty years you aren't married I'll eat my leather jacket-"

"Hey, chill guys-"

"Screw you-"

"Excuse me-"

"Watch the bacon-"

"Watch your attitude-"

"Hey-"

"Wait, he's-"

"Don't you say another word, Todd-"

"Come at me, you fuckin bite-sized ninja."

And at that point Damian fully launches himself at Jason, butter knife in hand. Dick is yelling, Cass and Steph are laughing, Barbara just continues eating like nothing is happening, and Alfred, the only one capable of controlling these beasts known as batkids, is still nowhere in sight.

Nico isn't panicking per se, but he sure isn't calm. His mind is racing with questions.
Should he intervene? Could he even help anyway? Is that blood or jam on Jason? Where the hell is Bruce, how can he sleep through all of this noise?

And just as Nico has that thought, there's the sound of a door closing quickly upstairs.

Nico hopes for Alfred, but it's Bruce who walks in, looking rather disheveled in a robe and an awful case of bedhead.

Bruce blinks at the scene before him. He doesn't seem shocked as much as exasperated.

"Kids", he calls. "Is this really necessary?"

Finally, Damian is roughly separated from Jason's flailing body by Dick.

"Father, though it pains me to say this, I believe this one has outgrown his use", he says, pointing at Jason.

"Is that so?", Bruce asks. He looks so, so tired.

Wordlessly, Tim hands him a cup of coffee. He looks dead on his feet too, and he isn't even a dad.

Bruce takes it, mumbling a thanks, but spits it out when a woman walks in, entering from the same direction he had.

She's wearing a robe, too, one of Bruce's by the looks of it, but somehow she still looks elegant in it.

Her short, dark hair is brushed and well attended to where Bruce's is a mess, but it's still abundantly clear she spent the night.

Judging by her amused smile, she has no qualms revealing that to Bruce's children.

They all greet her with genuine smiles and an invitation to join them at breakfast, so this must not be her first time here. Is that Bruce's girlfriend, who Nico recalls briefly hearing about?

She glances at Nico, and laughs quietly.
Her voice is rich and amused.

"Another one, Bruce? Are you trying to fill the manor up completely?"

She takes a sip of coffee.

"A guest", Bruce says. "We're trying to help him get home, but it's been proving complicated. He's from a different universe."

She quirks an eyebrow.

"Hmm. I do recall hearing about this, I suppose."

"Where from?", Dick asks.

She just smiles.

"Selina Kyle", she says, extending a hand. The motion almost seems like she's expecting him to kiss it, but he goes for a regular handshake anyway. "Local socialite, catburglar, icon."

He nods, unsure. "Nico Di Angelo. Tired Demigod."

She laughs again and takes another sip of coffee, which Nico is just now realizing she stole from Bruce.

...She wasn't kidding about being a burglar, was she?

She leaves after breakfast, giving them all a wave and Bruce, an additional kiss on the cheek.

Right as she's at the door, she turns back to them.

"Are you sure I can't have that diamond, dear? As a gift?"

She practically purrs it, and Bruce seems mesmerized by her figure leaning against the door. Still, he shakes his head.

"I can just buy it for you, Selina. I could buy the whole museum for you."

She sighs.

"You know it's not the same."

Then she leaves.

"Then people call me a slut", Dick says. "The audacity."

Jason bursts out in a laugh so loud and obnoxious that he almost chokes, and Barb has to slap his back to keep him from dying, and that marks the end of breakfast.