Her Inner Strength

Spiraling

I started going to the gym. Birth control had made me gain weight like crazy. I was HUGE. I hated myself, I hated how I looked. That breakup absolutely sent me over the edge and I didn't even know who I was.
I went right back to sleeping around and as far as smoking weed with strangers. I was absolutely spiraling out of control again.
At one point I had a guy come over that I had met online and we smoked weed and had sex. I got drunk one night and slept with a guy I had went to school with. I met another guy that my dad knew at a bar and had sex with him. I dressed like a complete slut and went to the races with a guy that had previously emotionally abused me.
The morning after I got drunk and slept with the guy I went to school with, my dad got off work at 5am and came up and kicked my door open, I was asleep naked on my bed and he screamed at me about smoking weed and drinking and fucking around being a whore. He grabbed my phone and smashed it on the footboard of my bed. I would wake up in a cold sweat every time I heard his truck pull in the driveway after that.
I was 19 at that time, I got my own phone plan after a while and started paying that bill on my own.
Around that time I went on a date to the drive in movies with a guy. He was very sweet and even let me drive his truck. Not long into our relationship I was packing up my stuff and moving in with him, ignoring my dads suggestions to just stay home and not rush into it. He lived about 50 minutes away. The positive was it was closer for me to drive to school.
I quit my job at Speedway and got a job cleaning medical facilities at night. I also got a job at Staples. I was financially fucked. I started smoking weed again and to be honest, I don't even remember where/who I got it from. I remember taking online proctored exams for college high as a kite.
Around that time, my dads girlfriend, I found out, had cashed my student loan disbursement checks by forging my signature. It was over $2000. I made a police report and dealt with that and then I finally got my money back. Instead of putting it back on my student loans like I should have however, it went towards the new house we had to get things for and things we didn't need, like new phones.
This guy wasn't the worst but he definitely wasn't the best. I'd make food and come home from work to pizza boxes, cigarette butts and ashes and dip spit bottles all over the place even if I had spent all day cleaning. He said he didn't want what I made so he got pizza, even though he complained he was always broke.
(When  we first started living together, we were living with his buddy and his buddy's girlfriend and dog. It was a cramped situation. So, when the one bedroom apartment went up for rent beside us, we hopped on the opportunity and got it. I spent a whole day moving our stuff over. Up and down the stairs countless times. Sore as hell.
We went to rent a center and got a brand new bed, he was really tall, over 6 foot and a big dude. So, we got a bed so tall I had to run and jump to get in it. It was a cute little place.
My aunt and I both got puppies from the same litter. We named ours Rhea. She is a boxer, mastiff and German shepherd mix.
At some point we looked into buying a house. We were clueless as hell on that whole process. We had nothing saved up for a down payment. I remember sobbing, begging my aunt for the down payment. Why? I have no damn clue. There is no way in hell the two houses we looked at would even have passed inspection. The one was an old ass cabin in literal bum fuck nowhere. The other house was cute but, it had settled and the steps were literally so crooked it felt like you were walking sideways up them.
I was still working at the cleaning place at night and I had to drive all the way to my home town. The guy that had broken up with me and left me spiraling popped back into the picture. He came to my work and we talked.... and he kissed me. I can't remember if I kissed him back. I don't think I did. But I probably wanted to. I was over the guy I was living with. So I told the guy I was with that he had come to talk and kissed me. It caused a huge fight, understandably so. On my 20th birthday that year, I ended it and moved out. Papa came and helped me move as much as he could, mainly he just sat outside with my dog. I had to move in with mama and papa because I couldn't go home. My dad still had the bitch that cashed my checks at the house because he didn't want her daughter to not have a place to stay.