𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙂𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙂𝙞𝙧𝙡 𝙏𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝘽𝙖𝙙

Chapter 28: Dead to me

♦ ♢ ♦ Kaitlyn ♦ ♢ ♦

Friday is much the same. Xavier avoiding the fuck out of me, pretending like I don't exist.

At least some of the whispers have died down, mostly because everyone is scared of me. It's a weird feeling, being looked at like this, with some degree of fear.

Is this what bullies feel like?

But I'm no bully. I'm only trying to look out for my man. Who is dead set on seeing right through me.

I can't seem to open my mouth around him. Where do I fucking begin? There is so much to say to him, and I need to say it to him when he's alone, which is never in these days.

The pit inside of me grows and grows, and I'm becoming irritated, agitated, frustrated. Fuck. I need him. Need to apologize, to tell him I love him, but how the fuck?

If he's trying to punish me, it's fucking working, because I've never been this close to losing my mind. Ever. I feel hollow, and I feel like shit. And I never wanted to feel like this, but I can't help it, when I can't even get him to look at me.

Now, I follow him discreetly as he walks down the hallway leading to the library.

Perfect opportunity. He's all alone.

"Xavier," I call out, running after him. "Xavier," I plead when he doesn't stop. I run in front of him, blocking the way.

He stops and looks at me with dead eyes, and it guts me. "Can I help you?" He asks.

My breath hitches as I feel overwhelmed. I've always been okay with talking, but nothing here seems like would be appropriate for the amount of hurt I've given him. How do I start? Do I apologize first, or tell him I love him? But he won't fucking believe me.

"Excuse me," he says when I'm unable to speak, and only stare at his beautiful face.

I feel helpless. I keep doing this to myself.

"Fuck!" I scream when he's walked away, feeling useless and pathetic. "Fuck," my voice breaks.

How do I talk to him now?

♦ ♢ ♦

Saturday, and Luna allows me a small mercy by hanging out at my place. I've never been more miserable. She has a sleepover with me, because I've just been wallowing in my pain and heartache and self-loathing.

"It's not your fault," she says for the millionth time on Sunday, during breakfast where I can barely eat anything.

"Luna," I whisper. "I can't seem to talk to him. He's either avoiding me, straight up ignoring me, or giving me all his attention and I malfunction. There's so much I want to say, and it's eating away at me each second of each passing day. I've never felt angrier in my life. So helpless and hopeless."

"He's hurting, Kaitlyn," she tells me gently. "It's... it's a lot. I bet he's revisiting all your old memories, and all the things
that happened during the past five years, as I'm sure you are too."

I nod slowly.

"Give him some time."

"So he can fully move on?" My voice breaks. "Because he will forget me, Luna. You don't know him. He fucking will. He's so stubborn, he will bury all his feelings toward me. I think he already has," I think back to his dead grey eyes, and sharp heart ache returns.