Collide - Johnlock

1 - John Watson is Not Gay

Sherlock was smart, witty, he kept conversation, not a moment with him was boring. Sure he was a little slow on emotional reactions, but that had never been John's biggest priority in a partner. Sherlock was just his type, except for one thing, Sherlock was a guy. And John Watson was many things, but gay was not one of them. 

It wasn't that John opposed the idea of being gay, he just wasn't. He couldn't be. 

His sister came out many years ago, and although they didn't talk anymore, he could still remember what she had told him. She had always known that she was attached to other women, even before she fully realized it, she had known deep down. But John didn't feel that way at all. He had dated females in the past, he was attracted to females, he'd never been attracted to men before. Therefore he, John Watson, was not gay.

He wasn't gay, he was sure of it. He had never ever, ever felt any form of attraction to anyone other than the opposite sex. That was, until Sherlock. 

It wasn't that he had felt a immediate attraction to him, there was no love a first sight. 

No. There was no love at all. He was not in love with Sherlock Holmes. 

Sure, the man was utterly brilliant, he was a genius. His intelligence had drawn John in like a magnet, his ability to deduce the entire life story of a complete stranger was a major turn on.

No. Not a turn on. He was not turned on by Sherlock Holmes. 

But still, John couldn't deny the amount of times he had caught himself staring a Sherlock. His eyes often lingered on the man's perfectly sculpted cheekbones, or the shape of his back when he wore a particularly thin shirt. And he couldn't deny that the man was incredibly good looking. 

No. Sherlock wasn't good looking. John did not think that Sherlock Holmes was good looking. 

John was not gay. If he was sure of anything it was that he was definitely not gay. 100% straight. Not even the slightest bit gay.

Yet every time John's thoughts would wonder as he read the paper, or watched the telly, or looked at Sherlock for longer than 2 seconds, he realized that if he John Hamish Watson was sure of anything, it was that he was completely, utterly, hopelessly, head-over-heels for Sherlock Holmes.

John's eyes blinked open and closed. Open and closed. He could remember every detail of the flaky painted ceiling above him.

As always, when John woke up before his alarm, he would let his mind wonder. And always, like clockwork, his mind would find Sherlock. John wondered what he was doing, how he was feeling, how he felt about John.

The memory of the day they first met flashed in his mind, when he had asked Sherlock if he had a girlfriend. He had told John is wasn't his area, John had simply assumed he had meant dating in general, but then again he had never denied liking guys, simply brushed it off and said he was flattered. Did that mean Sherlock was gay? Or was John just reading into things way to much in the hopes that maybe, possibly, Sherlock felt the same about him as he did Sherlock.

John wasn't gay exactly, not 100%. He liked girls, he just also liked Sherlock. He guessed when he thought about it he had found other men attractive before, he just never felt as strongly about them as he did Sherlock. He had never felt as strongly about anyone as he did Sherlock.

He had determined, that he Dr. John Watson, liked both men and women. Bisexual, bisexual was the term to use.

John sat bolt upright in bed, a sudden realization hitting him. It had taken him this long to figure out his sexuality and how he felt about Sherlock, it must have taken Sherlock a lot less time. What if Sherlock knew? Knew about his feelings? What if he knew and wasn't saying anything out of not wanting to hurt John?

But he couldn't be. Sherlock Holmes didn't do things on the basis of not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. Even John's.

Maybe Sherlock knew and he just didn't care?

Or more likely, Sherlock didn't even realize. Sherlock was smart, he could figure any puzzle out before John had even started trying. But when it came to the emotions of human beings? Sherlock was an idiot. He didn't understand how the words he said could hurt others, he didn't understand how people developed crushes, or fell in love.

It made sense, the reason Sherlock had never brought up John's feelings was because he simply didn't know. And for some reason that stung more than any form of embarrassment that John might experience if Sherlock did know.

It hurt that Sherlock was unable to deduce his feelings, it hurt that he couldn't recognize the emotions of his roommate, of his best friend. John knew that if Sherlock was unable to even realize his feelings, there was no chance of the man ever reciprocating them, and it hurt.