wherefore art thou » dead poets society

if you listen real close,

i've borne witness to the end. i promise you, it is exactly as they say it is — slowly and then all at once.

- - -

evaline tried to fit everything she owned into the suitcase she had brought with her when she first came to welton. she started with her shoes, then her blouses, then her scores, but she soon realised that her belongings continued to spill out. a book here, a piece of rosin there. how, she found herself asking as she crammed another jumper into the suitcase, how was it possible that she couldn't contain it?

she shifted her weight onto both hands in front of her, pressed against the lid of the suitcase, and pushed down with all her might.

something crunched.

it sounded like the snapping of bones, but she ignored it and fastened the buckles. the suitcase was swollen and bulged awkwardly, but she dared not remove any of her personals. any of his personals. a notebook of his musings. a plush toy rabbit she had received many months ago. a plain, simple white t-shirt. she swallowed hard and took a step back. this would do.

evaline made a final sweep of the room. she willed her eyes to graze past every corner of the room at a brisk, nervous pace. she feared that if she lingered for too long she would see him. she feared that he would be sitting at her desk, tapping his pencil on the table as he worked. she feared that he would be leaning against the window, peering out at the sunrise. she feared that he would be lying in her bed, eyes filled with a tenderness that was almost palpable. as long as she kept moving, maybe her brain would stumble and fail to catch up to her.

the bedframe creaks softly, a quiet moan, as she sat down on the bare mattress one last time. as she did so, she heard a pair of hurried, anxious shoes clicking down the hallway and a sinking feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. the door was already wide open and the footsteps stopped right before the entrance.

"is it true?"

she squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. "is what true?"

a pause. some thinking. then, "all of it. any of it. are you leaving?"

she barely looked at him and made a feeble gesture of her arm at the suitcase by her desk. "yes. i'm going."

"... don't go."

she sighed again, this time with a grittiness to her exhale, "don't do this. i didn't ask for this."

"stay."

"i can't."

"... stay."

"todd, please," she tried again, desperation seeping into her voice, "please, don't do this."

todd took a few steps forward and pulled the door closed behind him, almost dragging his feet towards evaline. he halted in front of her, and she's doesn't look up. her eyes are fixed on her hands, trembling ever so slightly.

"where will you go?" he asked quietly.

she shrugged and picked at a loose thread along the hem of her skirt, "back to london maybe. or any school that will still take me."

todd's mouth ran dry. "you can't go back to london."

"of course i can, don't be daft."

"i mean it. you can't go."

"i certainly can't stay here. there's nothing left for me here," she snapped at him, fingers clenching together in her lap. "i'm only here because of my father, and, well, he's not exactly welcome at the moment either."

"you can. we'll talk to nolan. there has to be something we can do," todd pleaded. he kneeled down on the wooden floor in front of her, begging her eyes to meet his. and when they did, they were glassy and she looked like a lost child. she said nothing at all to him. they were both well aware of the futility of his cries and this truth muted him for a moment.