Like Gold

18.

tw: discussion of suicide and self-harm

18.

AFTER JACE HAD STOPPED CRYING and the school bell had sounded, officially marking us late to our first period class, we'd made an unspoken agreement to skip.

I leaned against the brick wall, my shoes digging into the muddy grass and leaving stains all over the white of the sneakers. Jace sat beside me, our arms pressing against each other as he tossed sticks and pebbles across the ground.

Our shoulders lifted and fell with laboured breaths. If I listened carefully, I was sure I'd be able to hear our hearts, thumping in sync.

"Six months ago," Jace said after a long silence. "I tried to kill myself."

I paused. "That wasn't a very smart idea."

Jace laughed, shaking his head. "No. Not great for your health."

"Death does that to a person."

"They should really put up warning about that kind of stuff," he joked, nudging my shoulder.

I rolled my eyes, a grin playing on my lips. It felt nice to talk about this stuff with Jace. Without walking on eggshells. Just joking around like regular people – like a year ago, when people still treated me normally.

"Caution," I said, waving my hand dramatically in the air. "Attempted suicide may cause death. Not great for health."

"Something like that," he teased.

"Should add that warning to cars," I said, raising a brow. "Warning, sitting in a car may cause significant trauma and injury. Avoid at all costs."

Jace snorted. "Okay, now that's a little unrealistic."

I huffed jokingly, nudging him back harder. "Right, my warning is unrealistic."

He shrugged, shooting me a tilted grin. "Don't shoot the messenger, Jasmine."

I chuckled and our laughter faded into silence. Jace picked up a pebble, rolling it between his thumb and index finger before tossing it across the soil with a quick flick of his wrist. I listened to the quiet clatter of the rock as it skidded to a stop.

He took another, rolled it on his palm, then threw it as far as it could go. His eyes still trained on the distance, he said, "You know... I guess that's what I wanted."

I blinked, turning to him at the sudden sound of his voice. He'd picked up another pebble, turning it over slowly between his fingers as he spoke.

"To die," he continued eventually. "I wanted to die. Or, I mean – I just – I wanted everything to stop. You know? I wanted it all to just – just pause. Until I stepped off that ledge, and – and I realised – shit."

There was a pause. He dropped the pebble to the floor and let out a quipped laugh, shaking his head, leaning it back against the brick wall. His hair stuck to the bricks and he slouched down.

"That was what I thought," he said. "Shit. Because I wanted to live. I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. But it was too late. I was falling."

His fingers tightened into a fist, though his expression remained blank. I leaned into his touch, our elbows pressing together.

"But you survived," I said.

Jace nodded, smiling. "I survived. Thank God. And it's been tough. You know? So tough, you have no idea." He paused, flexing his ankle out in front of him. "But I'm glad I survived. Really."