T/W: MENTION OF SELF HARM
I wake up to a room that's completely white. White walls. White sheets. Everything seems so impersonal.
It takes me a few seconds to remember the events of yesterday. In chronological order, the kiss, the friendzone, the panic attack, the self harm, the ambulance.
I see Aiden asleep in a chair by my bed. I don't know the day, or the time. What happened?
I look around the room for my phone, not seeing it, I grab Aidens phone from the table.
My hand kills as soon as I touch it and I inhale sharply and drop the phone.
The sound wakes Aiden up and he immediately asks me if I'm ok on instinct.
Seeing his phone on the ground and gathering what must have happened, he then asks me if I'm ok, genuinely.
"Yeah I'm totally fine." I say, a smile on my face.
"You fucking sliced open your wrist, of course you aren't ok."
"It was a moment of weakness, I'd never do it again. I didn't have control over myself."
"Yeah, that's the issue. You are supposed to have control over your own body." He gets heated for a moments, and then his face softens as he sees my shocked expression. "Sorry I was just..scared. That you wouldn't wake up."
"It fine. I get that your stressed. Where's Dad?"
"Oh, he's outside talking to the doctor, I'll go tell the nurse you woke up." He exits the rooms after fussing over me for a few minutes.
Wishing 30 seconds my dad is rushing through the door with the nurse not far behind him.
The nurse checks my vitals and he gives me the ok to sit up.
My dad is just giving me a huge hug. He has tears in his eyes. He looks like a mess.
"It's ok dad, I'm awake and healthy you don't need to worry."
"I'm so sorry. I should have known that something was going on with you, I have a lot to do at work but that's no excuse. I should have asked you more questions—"
"Dad, this is not your fault. At all. You have always been there for me. Sometimes the stress of life gets to me but your one of the reasons that I've been doing so well for so long."
I don't know how I'm going to lie my way out of this. They're going to make me tell them everything at some point, and I can't do that.
"But I—" He's cut off by the doctor walking into the room.
"Miss Hart, I'm sorry to interrupt but I have a few questions that your brother and boyfriend didn't know the answers to." She says this in the most polite way.
Wait.
Boyfriend?
Who's my boyfriend?
"I don't have a boyfriend." I state.
"She means Ash I think."
"Oh. He's not—we're not dating. He's just a friend."
"Ok, I still have questions." I'm in deep shit arent I.
"Of course." I try to be as polite as possible.
"What happened? I mean before your brother came in." She sounds sincerely concerned.
"I— um." I don't really know what to say. Oh don't worry this has happened multiple times I just cut in deeper this time accidentally.
"She gets panic attacks. She called me in the middle of one." Aiden saves me from answering.
"And you cut yourself?" I nod, blinking back tears.
"Do you see a psychologist about this?" I shake my head. "Ok, I would recommend that, I have some people who specialize in this kinda of stuff." She is talking to my dad at this point.
I drone her out. What if they ask me what triggered the attack?
I don't need a psychologist, I'm dealing with it perfectly fine on my own. The fact that I'm sitting in a hospital says otherwise. That was just one moment of weakness.
My thoughts bounce back and fourth, arguing with each other.
I hear only bits and pieces of what the doctor is telling me. I didn't even catch her name. Basically I had been bleeding out. I cut much much farther into my wrist than I realized in the spur of the moment and there had been shards of glass stuck in my wrist cutting it up from the inside.
I'm a dramatic ass person. Of course I had to do everything in the most extravagant way possible.
After who knows how long she leaves and says I can see my friends.
Apparently everyone was waiting for me to wake up in the waiting room. Why am I like this? I have good friends and family and many people who care about me so why do I still have all this anxiety?
Kailey, Leila, Jay and Kai rush in and hug me. Kailey and Jay are both crying. Ashton just stands in the doorway, staring at me.
"Are you going to come in pretty boy?" I ask, as he hovers right outside.
"Do you even want me here?" He asks.
"Of course, you saved my fucking life."
"I also was the last person you saw beforehand in other words I caused this all." He runs his fingers through his hair.
"You blame this on yourself? How the fuck do you get to that conclusion. It's my fault and my fault only. I'm the one who shoved a piece of glass into my own fucking wrist, and then almost bled out on the bathroom floor." I become a little mad at this point, how could he blame it on himself?
Everyone looks at me shocked. I roll my eyes.
Did they expect I was just going to pretend it wasn't me who did this to myself?
~~~~
A/N: all the recent chapter have been really dark..sorry not sorry
The next chapter will be a little bit lighter cause there will be a few week time jump but still will have references to this because it is a big part of her life.
Anyways this isn't edited bc I'm in the middle of a really good book and wanna go read that so.. 👍
kisses 💋
x
YOU ARE READING
nothing without you
Romance"I try so hard to be just friends but you sure don't make it easy." He averts his gaze from mine, and I wish he'd just look me in the face. "I don't make anything easy." I cup his face with my hands and turn it towards me, looking straight into his...
