My mom sat me down to have a talk, while she was helping Josh's mom clean she over heard some conversations that made her alert to what was going on.
She looked at me in a concerned look "we need to go get you a storage unit and get all of your things out of his house today!" I looked at her confused to why she was saying this and the urgency in her tone "what's going on I thought my stuff was ok there for the time being?" I asked
"I over heard them talking about moving you out and moving his brother and his family in!"
My eyes grew big, hearing those words was shocking. It had only been a few days, "why are they doing this so soon? I am still devastated over losing him and now me and my girls are homeless"
How could they be so heartless? "I sat down at the table and Josh's mom was saying that he was about to kick you out of his house before he died that he didn't want you there!" She told me with anger in her voice.
This news was unbelievable! Just a week ago he told me that he was going to marry me, he even told his mom that! Why is she saying this now?
After hearing all of this I was ready to get my belongings. My mom and I went to rent a storage unit, once that was took care of we went to collect my belongings.
When we walked in his house someone had already been there going through all my things. My charm bracelet my girls bought me for Mother's Day was gone, my paperwork to my divorce scattered, things in our bedroom moved around.
At this sight I was not only upset over losing Josh I was pissed! I got what I could out of the house as fast as I could to just be done with it.
My mom had to go back home where she lived to get back to work, She helped me find my own place I just needed to get everything situated.
That didn't take away the fact that I felt like I was being treated as if I killed him!
After I was situated I had to return to work one week after he was killed. I wasn't ready but life doesn't stop when someone dies, unfortunately we have to carry on and bury the grief.
The grief never eases up it just gets easier to cope with over time, when I went back to work I still caught myself crying throughout the day, luckily I was able to work alone so I didn't burden anyone with my sadness. The only thing that helped the day go by was music, I would hide one headphone in my clothes so no one could see and play music in one ear.
My life was flipped upside down, I wanted the routine I had with Josh but now it's just my girls and I. When I got off work I would pick them up, wash up and go to my friends house to let them play with other kids.
I didn't want to be alone in my head, it was dangerous these days for me to sit and just think. Trying to keep my mind busy was the only way to escape the thoughts that would creep in my mind.
I still wasn't sleeping good maybe one to two hours a night, I was becoming this shell of a person, trying to make everyone around me see that I was ok but I was far from ok.
Few weeks passed by and life was still the same. Lack of sleep was starting to mess with me, I was slowly losing my mind, losing this battle of life.
Halloween came and it was the first time I fixed myself up to take the girls trick or treating, I felt guilty for wanting to go have fun, as if it was wrong for me to have fun again.
My friends was trying their hardest to get me to laugh and let go of this weight I carried, they just didn't understand this pain, this grief was unbearable so I just pretended to be fine.
The night was a blast for the girls, it made me feel some comfort knowing they was having fun. It was the best night I had since the tragedy.
Life still carried on and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just have to take one day at a time. The weeks just kept coming and going. Day after day stil not sleeping well, still surviving the only way I could.
Thanksgiving was coming up, I helped my friend at her house the night before and we stayed at her house that night to clean and cook. When we woke up the house was starting to fill up with family members there to cook more food, i got my girls pretty and did what I could with my appearance.
The day was filled with laughter and smiles by everyone around me while I pretended to feel happy. I called the girls dad to see if he wanted to spend time with them that day, he agreed so I drove the girls to his grandmas and dropped them off. Once I got back most of the people was gone so I helped cleaned the house, before i knew it time had passed and it was late so I decided to go home.
Dreading the loneliness that awaited me, I sat in my car just looking at my front door, thoughts starting to flood my mind. The flash backs of that night was replaying over and over as it did most days.
I picked up my phone and called one of my close friends to see if she was home no answer, I called someone else same thing, I just wanted someone to talk to, I needed someone anyone to just be there.
I went inside and the silence was haunting, i started drinking "maybe I can pass out if I drink enough" The thoughts got worse, seeing him hit the windshield over and over was making me lose my mind.
That's when I grabbed the bottle of pill...
