Call me kitten (boyxboy love) ✓

34. The slut and the box

If I hadn't seen his face, I would have been sure that he was joking. Never had anyone said a thing like that to me. He was afraid that I would go away. I wanted to hug the life out of him to make him understand that I wouldn't do that, but I kept calm. I could see that he had been struggling to get the words out, so I let him be a little.

"I don't wanna be with you to develop, Ash," I said instead. "I wanna be with you because... hell, I don't even know why, but I do. I've never felt like this before, so maybe that's why I suck so much at explaining. Inexperienced in pretty much everything, you know."

I tried a hesitant grin and he chuckled.

"In this case you're actually not alone. I've never had any... serious relationships before, so I have no idea how to do this either."

"But you're 28?" I said in pure shock.

"I'm aware of that."

"But if you're so experienced..." I started but bit my tongue and cursed myself for even starting to ask such a stupid question.

"Just because I've never had any real relationships doesn't mean that I've lived in celibacy, Jamie."

Ash laid down on his back, looking up at the ceiling as if he was wondering if he should continue that sentence or not.

"Sorry, didn't mean to pry," I apologized.

"It's ok," he said calmly. "The reason I've never told you about what I was up to in the past is because I wanted to protect you from it, somehow. Didn't want you to... take offence. I'm not an innocent snowflake, if you know what I mean."

Of course, I knew that Ash wasn't a snowflake of any kind, but that he'd been afraid that I would think less of him surprised me. He was actually worried about what I would think of him. I got to my elbows and rested my arms on his chest. He looked down at me with an almost embarrassed smile.

"Well, I haven't given you any reason to talk about your past, the way I behaved tonight," I said.

"You wanna know what happened?" Ash said. "I mean, who Keith is?"

Did I? A part of me didn't even want to hear the name, but another part wanted to know what Ash had seen in the guy.

"Just... no details," I said and shot him a meaningful gaze.

"No worries. I met him at a BDSM party about a year ago. I thought it was fun because he seemed up to pretty much everything, but I quickly realized that he was just using me as a tool for punishing himself for being gay. He didn't want to accept that part of himself, basically. So I broke it off, but he kept harassing me, so I had to ghost him completely."

"And what happened tonight?"

"I wanted to try and explain my actions, so there would be no hard feelings, you know. But he started to touch me, acting like a fucking psycho, and it ended with me sucker punching him in the face. Then he got my message. At least I think he did."

He grinned proudly and held up his right hand, where I could see the beginning of bruising over his knuckles. I couldn't help feeling good about it. But at the same time, I was embarrassed over my own behavior.

"Shit, I'm sorry that I yelled at you before," I said quietly.

He reached down to me and kissed me softly, his hands combing through my hair and down my back.

"It could have been avoided had I just opened my damn mouth a little earlier and told you the whole story," he said. "Gotta remember that next time."

"Next time?"

"Next time someone I messed around with comes up with an attitude. This might not be the last time that happens. Me not being an innocent snowflake and all."