Breaking J.A.C.I.E. (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Day 2: A Letter To Everyone Who's Hurt Me

My eyes glazed over the blanket and pillow neatly folded at one end of the couch. I had decided to sleep on the couch the previous night. Although I was willing to try and fix us, I still needed space. Jack had offered to take the couch instead and let me take the bed, but I refused. It was my choice after all.

As Jack was in the kitchen preparing us breakfast, I couldn't shake the weight that still heavily hung on my chest. The events of the previous day were still in the forefront of my mind. There was so much for us to cover. We weren't back to normal. Jack might have finally been able to admit out loud that the miscarriage had affected him, but we still hadn't actually talked about it.

But we couldn't force it. We had to take this one step at a time, or it would be trying to do too much in one go. I needed time to recognise my feelings and what it all meant in between. The night alone in the living room had already made me realise more about myself than I could have if we had attempted to hash it all out immediately.

I looked back down at the ring finger that was still missing my ring. It felt empty and bare... but I wondered if it maybe was the way things were supposed to be. Growing up, I never imagined myself married. Maybe I was too young after all.

"Everything alright?" Jack asked when he noticed my distant stare.

I shook my head. Maybe it was the wrong question to ask now. Nothing was okay. We had established that. You could ask me at any point, and I'd say no. But it was a bit more specific now.

"Do you think I'm overreacting?" My gaze shifted to his face.

He frowned as he dried his hands. "Overreacting?"

"Yeah."

"No."

I sighed deeply, wringing my hands together nervously now I didn't have my ring to fidget with. I really wasn't so sure. A big part of me felt like I was overreacting. Maybe I was the reason this whole thing was blowing up.

"As much as I'd love for everything to be normal," Jack added, "everything you're feeling and thinking is fully justified."

I continue to stare at my empty ring finger. Jack was trying to reassure me, but it was hard to accept. I couldn't help but feel like all of this was somehow my fault. After all, I was the one ready to walk out. I shifted on the couch, hoping a change of position would ease the discomfort.

"Jacie..." Jack's voice softened. "You're not overreacting. This is a lot to process, for both of us."

I breathed out sharply, tearing my gaze away from my hand. "You know, growing up, I never thought I'd get married. Marriage seemed like willingly stepping into a battlefield. Now look at me."

He continued to stare at me, his eyes dropping down my body in dejection.

"I shouldn't have let you avoid me for so long. My whole life, I've done everything to keep the peace, even if it meant neglecting myself. It's like I'm a kid again, afraid to rock the boat... Well, I definitely rocked the boat this time." I took a deep breath in and admitted, "I wanted our home to be different."

"It is different," he stressed.

I saw him struggle between the decision to stay in place or approach me. He decided to stay, which was probably for the best. While I was willing to try, I wasn't sure about being close again yet. I needed more time to figure things out.

"Is it?" I asked, picking at the skin on my thumb. "Maybe we're not screaming at each other, but they had their moments of silence too."

"No, it's different," he repeated, his voice unwavering. "We're here now. We're talking, we're facing our problems together."

He was right, but my doubts persisted. It had only been twenty-four hours, I didn't know if he'd shut me out again. He was saying that he wanted to talk, he was trying to convince me that everything would come out into the open. But it was only empty promises after two months of silence.

"It's not that simple," I replied.

He looked at me, his expression a mix of understanding and regret. "I get it. I messed up, and I hurt you. I don't expect you to trust my words right away. But I want to earn that trust back. I want us to go back to us."

"What if we're too broken to fix?"

"We're not broken," he frowned. "We're hurt, and healing takes time. But we're not broken."

I froze as I realised something. Yet again, I was actually having a conversation with Jack. We were talking about problems like we used to. He had even initiated it this time. Maybe it wasn't the big conversation, but he was letting me share my burdens and responding to the things I said. He was still keeping to his promise.

I rubbed my face with the palms of my hands and stood up. "Okay."

Jack seemed like he was about to respond, but the toaster dinged, making both of us jump. Usually, that would have made us burst out in laughter. Now, though, it got a few quiet chuckles out of us. It was more than nothing.

"I guess breakfast is served," Jack smiled and turned his attention back to his original task.