Breaking J.A.C.I.E. (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Day 3: Bad Again

"Jacie, we need to talk," Jack began as he reentered the living room after using the bathroom.

I looked up at him, unsure what to expect. There was a lot to talk about, but it was hard getting through it all. It was yet another day and since voicing my worries about our marriage the previous day, we hadn't breached another topic. Our days were relatively quiet otherwise. We didn't really say much to each other.

"We need to go right into the deep end," he continued, sitting down on the opposite end of the sofa that I still slept on at night. "Go straight to discussing what happened."

I watched him with wide eyes, not expecting the sudden determination. "Okay."

He took a deep breath, as if preparing to plunge into icy waters. "I remember the day you first told me you were pregnant. Or, well, night for you. It was a shock, unexpected. But once you said you wanted to go through with it, it was all replaced by excitement."

His words brought a bittersweet smile to my lips as I responded, "it was a confusing moment for me. I didn't know what to think at first. It was so unexpected. But then you called me, and everything became clear."

"Fuck, Jacie," he took a deep breath, steadying himself for the emotional terrain we were about to traverse, "I was excited."

"I know..." my voice felt weak and shaky, my eyes already starting to water.

"I never realised how excited I was about becoming a dad until we found out about the pregnancy. It hit me like a tidal wave – the joy, the fear... everything."

I nodded in agreement. It was exactly what I thought about when I first made the mistake of telling Jack that we could try again. The pure and innocent anticipation, the sudden want to be a mother. I loved my life without, but I was ready after feeling it once.

"It got pulled away so suddenly..." Jack sighed, his gaze shifting to the floor.

The first tear dropped from my eye and I quickly wiped them all away as I sniffed softly. It really had been so sudden. Jack and I had discussed wanting to come up with names that very same day. I actually felt glad that we hadn't. It could have made things even harder.

"I'm so sorry I didn't talk to you sooner," he looked back at me, the vulnerability in his eyes mirroring my own. "I don't– I don't even know what happened before you pulled me into the bathroom. I never asked."

I exhaled slowly, my breath not as smooth as I would have liked it to be. I hadn't told anybody about the events that led up to it. Sure, I had given an overview of specifics to the doctors when they needed to check me over, but that wasn't truly talking about it.

My vision glassed over again and more tears plopped down on my arms and the fabric of the couch. I desperately tried to rub my eyes to wish them to go away, but it didn't work. They just kept falling.

"You don't need to tell me now if you don't want to." he put his hand comfortingly on my leg.

I shook my head, recognising that it wouldn't be worth trying to stop the tears. "No, I need to."

He nodded gently, encouraging me to continue, gently stroking the fabric of my sweatpants with his thumb.

"Nothing felt off until I got on stage with you guys," I whispered, my voice not able to go louder without cracking. "I got some weird pains, but kept going. I decided to take a shower immediately after, take a moment to breathe and... I didn't even notice until I opened my eyes and was covered in blood."

"Jacie..." he breathed, his hand still a gentle grounding presence.

I stopped him before he could express anything else. "I immediately went numb and got stuck in a loop of trying to clean it up. I'd probably still be there now if you didn't knock on the door."

I could still remember exactly how it felt when the only thoughts I was having were 'clean yourself', 'clean the bathroom', 'clean yourself', 'clean the bathroom'. It was like I was a soulless machine trying to get an impossible task done.

"When I saw you," his eyes mirrored the pain I was expressing, and for a moment, we were united in our vulnerability, "it was like I was paralysed."

I frowned and shook my head gently. "No, you sprung right into action."

"I sure as hell felt like I was just going through the motions."

The tears were slowing down and a shiver ran up my spine. This was exactly the kind of stuff we didn't know about each other. I felt like Jack saved me from myself during that moment, he felt like he hadn't done enough. I wiped my cheeks again and carefully placed my hand on top of his. He turned his around and intertwined our fingers.

"I'm sorry I left..." I sighed, remembering the split second he let me in when I came back to him.

His grip tightened the slightest bit and he nodded. "A tour bus wasn't the place for you to be, you had to go home."

"Maybe," I agreed, but it wasn't what I was getting at. "But I should've been there for you. I should've faced it with you. Instead, I retreated, just like you did."

"I didn't handle it well," he admitted, his gaze distant as he replayed those moments. "I didn't know how to help you, and I felt helpless. It tore me apart to see you in so much pain, and I couldn't do anything about it."

A heavy silence settled between us, the weight of unspoken regrets hanging in the air. I took a deep breath, summoning the courage to speak the words that had lingered in the shadows for too long.

"Tell me how you feel, Jack," I softly begged. This wasn't just in our past. It was very much in our present too.

His eyes were a tapestry of emotions as he stared down at our hands. The request hung in the air. I didn't expect him to be fluent in the language of his emotions. He took a moment, as if carefully selecting the right words to unveil the depths of the crevices.

"I thought we were going to be parents," Jack said, the sorrow evident in his voice. "I imagined us with a baby, navigating parenthood together. It felt so real, and then it was gone."

"I know," I whispered, my voice a fragile echo. "I had dreams of our little family too. It was taken away before we even had a chance."

"It's not fair," he said, his voice a mix of frustration and anguish.

I nodded in silent agreement. Life had dealt us a cruel hand, and we were left grappling with the aftermath.

He sighed, "I love you so much, Jacie."

I saw his eyes flicker down to my lips. I knew exactly what he was thinking of doing, or at least what he was hoping he could. It made me swallow hard, unsure of what I wanted. The connection between us, as fragile as it had become, held a promise. We were navigating the wreckage together, confronting the pain that had seeped into the foundation of our relationship.

"I love you," I finally ended up responding.

I wasn't ready to walk away because I had fallen out of love with him, I was ready to walk away because I couldn't take the emotional turmoil and silence anymore. I still loved him with all my heart.

He tested the waters by reaching out to cup my cheek, hesitating as he did so. The room seemed to shrink as his touch grazed my cheek, his calloused fingers tracing a gentle path. The presence of his wedding ring seemed more prominent than ever. His gaze bore into mine, seeking permission in the quiet space between us.

He leaned in, his lips lightly brushing mine. It wasn't a sudden magical remedy, but a step towards rediscovering the closeness we had lost. The walls around us crumbled as he finally kissed me.