My personal diary

CHAPTER-5

01.05.2024

What happened, am I in lo.. ,no I can't be.
It is just a crush, yeah. The way his laugh enlightens the whole room, the way his eyes light up when we hear a joke or a funny story. He is so big compared to me, making me feel safe.

It just warms my heart and body. It just fills me up with passion, how I want to ignite in his sunny personality. How I want it to be a collision of dark and light between me and him.

03.05.2023

Why does it always feel I do not belong. I mean I am that asymmetrical piece that fits with a lot of exertion, pain and effort.

Only some people realise the gem behind all of the dirt. Some people stop digging after they waste their time. But some people like my bestfriend  found the good person that was hidden in me as she got to know me.

06.05.24

What did I ever do to Sanah? Why is she ignoring me?

Like why did she ever talk to me if she wanted to break the friendship or ignore me.
I can't with her emotions or whatever it is.

My best friend P advised me not to be affected by her that much. You should not care that much.

If a person doesn't give a response to your kindness, Just don't give a response and don't be rude Just because they were rude to you.

08.05.24

Okay, what the fuck just happened?
It was 11:30 at night. Today I didn't go out for a walk as I was studying for a long time.

I got out for a walk, and did my usual routine of starting a timer for 30 minutes and putting a new episode of my favourite podcast. You would think I am weird that I listen to a podcast while working out.
Okay I am forgetting the point of the story.

I started walking on the connected rooftop of my house. We live on the upper floor on rent and half of the upper floor is my home and half is a very open rooftop.

I started with a little warm up.

I started walking back and forth. Until I saw a women or a man or a dark figure as the street lamp post didn't reflect much light to the figure that was on second floor of their house. I guess it was their house.

I was used to walking alone but we clashed at the same time as we walked. We saw each other as soon as I turned my back.
This was like a shitty horror film. Mind I tell you that I love horror movies.

The figure suddenly stopped and looked at me for 5 minutes straight as I was taking rounds. I felt the uneasiness creeping at the back of my neck.

The figure came down a floor and now we were at the same level. I couldn't see much because of the night. When the figure was looking at me. I saw the construction cement that draped the walls of her or his house. The unpainted walls, the pans of bricks. This house was not even completed yet so who was living in here right now. The figure then went inside the house.

I forgot to tell you one thing, the rooftop side of the house is completely empty and there is a vast abandoned plot. The plot has walls but dogs sometimes climb the walls and come in the plot.

I read a lot of novels, and exactly what happened was like in a novel or a story. My breath was stuck in my throat for a lot longer than expected for a human to breath. When I released my breath, it came out in a heavy and little puffs.

I thought, maybe there really was someone living there as the house was in construction for a lot longer than expected so maybe the owner was living there.  

I was walking the entire time this thing happened.

I suddenly saw two men trying to climb the plot walls. I quickly ran but I thought maybe I was safe. The plot was directly connected to our house wall so anything can crawl up the wall at midnight. I went back and saw that the men were gone. I didn't know what to do. Should I continue my walk or go inside my house. And why is my house so open and big?!! I was feeling paranoid and i thought that everyone was watching me.

I took a long breath but never released it until my main door was locked.

(By the way, the crush is still there. I just watch him when we talk, not in a creepy way but a very caressed way.)