He Could Have Been (What He Thought He Wanted) | ✔

❝i should have sent you flowers❞

Abi Dearest jumped into Hanson Lake.

No, I heard someone pushed her, and that's why she fell into the lake.

No, no, no. I heard that that person wasn't even Abi Dearest. It was someone else, I believe.

Those are the kinda conversations I think people are having about me at school, this minute. And it's sort of funny. Really, I've ruined all my chances of ever going out with Danny Sanderson. He must think I'm a wacko, or totally cray. But who says I can blame him for thinking that?

You see, I've accepted right now that I won't ever be Danny's girl. An illusion was painted in front of me. The Danny who sounded so genuine and nice over the phone. The Danny that wasn't afraid to joke. The Danny that did impressions of Batman villains and movie stars.

I take a bite of the twice baked potato the nurse brought to me on a tray. It tastes old, and flavorless. But what exactly is to be expected of hospital food? Maybe, I should've ordered the soup. You can't ever mess up soup can you?

I plop my fork down on the tray, and stare into space.

A year ago, or more-like weeks ago, if you asked me how this year was looking so far, I probably would've told you it was looking great, splendid; seemingly anything was possible.

Ha, I laugh now. But I'm not laughing. I'm just staring into space, wondering where the hell my mother is—who hasn't come to visit. Doesn't she know doing this will most likely get the social services on her case?

I slide down further into the hospital bed, and wrap the covers around me.

I close my eyes, and a tear rolls down my cheek.

—

Dear Danny,

You're a real piece of work. Seriously, you are.

What I really mean, is you're a real shitty person. You're so fucking shitty, I've attempted suicide!

But I can't blame you for my actions. My actions were all me. It was a decision I made all on my own. Regardless, you led me on.

Before you, I would've never thought to commit suicide. But maybe I'm lying. Because I'm not really sure who I am now. And maybe that's why you never wanted to talk to me out in the open, because I didn't know who I am, and I don't know who I am—still.

I'm laying in the hospital bed, thinking about you. And I hope you don't take what I just wrote the wrong way. Because when I say thinking, I'm truly thinking why you were really all along my downfall.

So, I guess you and Bevin are just the happiest people walking planet Earth? You can't wait to jump on a horse and ride off into the sunset together. I watched you both at the dance, and I guess you're thinking I'm this pathetic little stalkers of yours? Yet, now that I think about it...really fucking think about it...my image of you isn't real. You aren't all that. You're fucked up for making me feel this way.

I said I wouldn't blame you on my suicide attempt. But I'm blaming you on my heartbreak.

Sincerely,

Abi Dearest

I fold up the piece of paper, place it inside of the envelope, and lick the sticky part, and then promptly seal the envelope. I hand it to Ginnifer, who surprisingly came to visit. She looked legit distressed to see me in such predicament, and like she had been crying; her eyes red and bright. She pulled her hair into a ponytail, before taking the envelope.

"I'll have Blaine give it to him," she says with a sniff. "You are right, Abi. He is an asshole. But just to clarify, I truly believe he and Bevin are just fuck buddies."

I shrug, and kinda crack a grin.

Even if her statement doesn't do much to improve my mood, or outlook on things. It helps that she told me what any friend would've told me. And it's sad to say she is the only person from the Pom Squad who came to visit me.

Just as she says goodbye, and walks out the door, someone else makes an entrance into my room.

Mousy brown hair. Blue eyes. Crows feet. Wears a frown.

"Mom?" I say in a whisper.

She looks at me and laughs bitterly. "So, you do this to embarrass me don't you? You did a terrific fucking job! So terrific, I was questioned by the social services. Wonderin' what the fuck I did to cause you to go swim in Hanson. You're truly a selfish bitch, Abigail." She says this with swiftness, bitterness, "bitchiness", meanness, and ease.

My mother is a talent at that. Shooting out insults and curse words so quickly, you'll feel as if she knocked the wind out of you.

She would've said more if the nurse hadn't walked in.

Once the nurse finishes with checking on me, and following the correct protocol with a suicidal patient, she walks out of the room.

My mother sits down at the edge of my bed, and takes a good look at me. "I'm sorry," she says with an earnestness I'm not quite sure is all genuine. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said...I must truly be a fucked up mom."

I glare at her, and then look away from her. I cross my arms over my chest, and wonder again, how I've gotten to the point of all this fucked up-edness.

It's sad, really.

Even if I wanted to be Danny Sanderson's girl, this situation proves to me that sometimes the things you want in life isn't particularly what you need.

My mom continues to apologize, and tells me she has been taking her medicine with her beer again. I laugh at that statement.

I look at her, and she looks at me. She's now laughing too.

—

Author's Note: I feel as though Erica Gluck would portray a good Ginnifer. Anyone agree, even if you don't know who she is?