He Could Have Been (What He Thought He Wanted) | ✔

❝suicidal people slow dance❞

In my past self could see myself now...I'm pretty sure she'd laugh.

Why would she laugh? Is it because she'd tell right to my face "Abi, sweetie, I don't think you realize you're hanging out with a loser. To be honest, right now you and him paint a pretty sad picture."

Is it a sad picture, in this instant, because awhile ago, in different times, Collin Doe and I were considerably suicidal? Is that it?

"I missed my homecoming dance," I tell Collin quietly. "I missed it because I felt miserable. And I thought, wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

"Wrong about Danny Sanderson." I smile sadly, and think back to how miserable I'd been feeling that night. "And all along he'd been you."

"M-maybe Danny really is a nice guy," he says with subtle optimism, and consideration, "You could still give him a chance."

"Nah, I'm not gonna give him a chance 'cause I'd truly just be settling," I say surely. "And I want to be with you."

Collin doesn't look convinced. Seriously, he doesn't have a reaction towards my declaration. He points at something on the table that Ginnifer left me. "What's that?" He asks.

I frown at his lack of reaction towards my declaration, but I still answer him.

"I don't know. My friend bought it for me, in case I got scared sleeping here at night."

I sit up in the bed, when he gets out and goes over to take a look at whatever it is that Ginnifer bought me. It was a night-light-type-thing, I remember.

He looks at me. "Do you mind if I open it?" He asks.

I shake my head. "No. It's fine. Go ahead. Open it."

He begins to open it.

I look at my hands, and look back up at Collin who takes the gift out of its box.

"It's a starry night projector," he says swiftly, "My mom bought me one when I was younger. Then she broke it."

I frown. "Oh, really?"

He looks at me, and sort of laughs. "Yeah...she sort of struggles with mental illness."

"Same. With my mom it's depression."

We're silent for a bit, until Collin says, "So, do you want to plug it up?"

I shrug, "Sure."

Once he plugs it up, and switches it on. The room is a galaxy, or something in which mirrors the night sky. In sum, it's beautiful.

"Wow, pretty," He says, simply.

"Yeah..." I say back, in complete awe. "It's amazing."

A couple minutes pass, when Collin asks, "Do you want to dance? Just to make up for not getting the slow dance at the homecoming dance?"

I laugh. "We don't even have music."

"Do you have your phone?"

"Yeah."

"Let me see it for a sec."

I playfully roll my eyes, as I grab my phone that lays underneath my pillow. Most of my notifications are turned off, and the ring is on silent.

Collin takes my phone, and starts touching the applications on my phone. Finally, I hear music. The song doesn't at all sound familiar, nor does it sound like anything that plays on the radio's top ten.

I don't even know what exact words the singer is saying, but regardless, I find myself enthralled with it. I close my eyes, and when I open them Collin is standing in front of me, holding his hand out.

I don't know
Why you met me...

"Would you care for a dance, Abi Dearest?" He asks in a Hugh Grant kind of accent.

I laugh, touching my lips, and then nod. "I'd love too."

But you won't turn around
To see me fly...

He takes my hand, and I get off the bed.

The atmospheric music continues to play as Collin and I slow dance to it.

I rest my cheek on his shoulder.

So, here's the story. A depressed teen girl talks to a guy she thought she was completely in love with over the phone every night, and the phone calls became less frequent from the guy she was in love with, and she thought her heart was breaking.

But now, that she's slow dancing with the guy she loves in the middle of a hospital room, it doesn't feel so depressing for her.

She's exactly where she's supposed to be. And the guy she is in love with is exactly who he is supposed to be.

Present me thinks it's a pretty picture.

I'll pay you money...
If you go see this guy—
He's better off
Cos he won't ask why;
I'm the real reason
That you went astray...
We'll be alright...

- Harold Budd