Say When

S I X T E E N

I slipped into the house shortly after the sun went down. I'd been spending more time out and I hadn't yet spoken to my Dad about starting work in the evenings. I planned to tell him soon but until then I didn't want to rock the boat. The floorboards gave its familiar creak under my sneakers. After my time out with Jax, I felt like I was drowning with emotions. I just wanted to sit alone, come up for air, and try to sort through it all.

I started down the hall to my room but something felt off. I looked around. My mind went on high alert trying to figure out what was out of place. My Dads work boots lived near the front door where they always did. Caked with metal dust. The house was a little too warm like it had been for years.

The scent of lemon floor cleaner. The incessant humming eased through the house. But it was closer. There was no longer a whole level between the sound and me. I was unreasonably on edge. I was in my own home. I was safe. But I felt like an intruder could be right around the corner.

As I neared the living room the sound of the television joined the hum in a melody that was familiar to me. I turned the corner into the cozy living room. The room was dimly lit. She turned her head slightly toward me.

"Hey." It was had been over six years since I saw my mother anywhere other than that room upstairs. She only came home when she was sick and only stayed long enough to get well before she was back out in the streets again. Her real home.

My Dad was perched on the couch and hadn't noticed that I was home. He popped up with a huge smile on his face. I found it strange that I had not received any 'checking in' phone calls or texts while I was out all afternoon. It was evident that he was totally preoccupied. Now I knew why. She lives.

"Hi, baby girl! Look who's down here." He stood and made a grand gesture toward my mothers' tiny frame. The armchair threatened to swallow her whole.

"I see." I uncurled my scarf from around my neck and let my purse slide down my shoulder. I didn't know what to do with this. But I knew I wasn't impressed.

"She's strong. Getting stronger." My Dad was lit up from the inside out. His energy had shifted to something that I hadn't experienced before. The foreignness of it inadvertently made me take a step back into the doorway of the living room. I wanted to bolt.

"Come, come. Sit. I was just going to whip up some dinner. Did you buy the steaks?" He asked motioning for me to take the seat he had occupied on the couch. The one nearest to her. I chose to sit at the opposite end.

"Yes." I'd done the grocery shopping before I headed out this morning and put everything away neatly. Laundry washed and put away in drawers. Despite Jax, college, and the new job I was still the dutiful daughter. My father clapped his hands.

"Good!" He was like a whirlwind bustling down the hall into the kitchen. The clang of pots and pans, the running water, echoed down to our silence. I didn't know how to have a conversation with her. I talked to Jax and Rita all day but I felt like I needed to learn a different language in order to speak to her. I didn't know how to start or even if I wanted to.

"Are you cold?" I went with the familiar. I didn't know how to talk to her but I knew how to take care of her. I'd been doing that for years. She shook her head 'no'. That's all I had. I checked my phone. Let my eyes floated up to the ceiling. I became engrossed in its popcorn texture.

"Is it...good?" Her muffled words sputtered out from. I pulled my eyes from the ceiling and focused on her. My own eyes stared back at me. It was something I'd never get used to. She nodded toward the coffee table where I'd rested my signed copy of The Hunger Games.

"Yeah, I like it." I looked at the cover of the book and a flash of me and Jax in the stacks came flooding back. Telling him I loved him. I squeezed my eyes shut. Willing it away. Shutting it up.