Say When

T W E N T Y - T W O

My alarm woke me four hours later. For a few blissful moments after opening my eyes I thought of nothing. Then in sharp flashes, it all came back to me. Work. Jax. Skimmer.

"Ugh." I pushed myself out of bed and unlocked my door. Two hurried steps into the hallway and I ran smack into my Dad's chest.

"Whoa! Hi, baby girl." He was still in his work clothes so I knew he'd just gotten home but this was still much earlier than his usual time.

"Hi, Dad. What are you doing here?"

"Weirdest thing, I think I live here." He chided me. I rolled my eyes.

"You know what I mean."

"Your mother had a doctors appointment this afternoon that I wanted to be there for. And we got good news." He looked so excited. The glint in his eyes was one that I hadn't seen in a long time. I waited for him to continue. "You mother has improved so much that the Doc thinks its safe for her to start going out again, short walks and what not. Building up her stamina." He clasped his hands together like he was physically trying to contain his excitement.

"Wow. That's amazing. Really." I was happy but happy in the way you are when you hear on the news that some random kid got full ride scholarships into forty-seven colleges. Good for them. Life goes on for the rest of us.

"To celebrate I'm going to cook us all a big family dinner tonight." My head went hot and my lungs stopped accepting air. It was like my body knew what was going to happen before the words even left my body.

"Dad, I can't," I said in as full of a voice as I could muster. If I was going to say it, I had to say it with confidence.

"Bri, I know you and your Mom aren't the closest but th--" He started in on the same speech that I'd heard a million times before. I cut him short.

"It's not that," I said. This time he paused and waited for me to finish. "I have to work. I have a job." I felt myself rise taller as I finally said it. Now, it was out in the universe. No longer my secret. I watched for a reaction but felt lighter all the same.

"A job? Since when? Why?"

"I got accepted into Columbia. And I'm going. I got scholarships and grants and I have this job for the rest. You don't have to worry about it."

"How long have you known this?"

"Two months," I whispered this even though I tried hard to keep my voice level and strong. His eyes widened into saucers.

"You've been working," He composed himself but just barely, "and you're lying to me. Bri?"

"Dad, I can not stay here. And...It's not fair that you asked me to stay. It's not." Tears pooled in my eyes and spilled onto my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly. Be confident. Strong. Confident. Strong.

"I asked you to stay for a little bit not forever. Your mother needs you."

"She needs you, not me. She's your responsibility. I'm the kid. Me!" I was losing it. It was more emotional than I expected. I envisioned anger, raised voices, and slammed doors. I didn't imagine tears and him pleading with me like this. Or my gut-wrenching with guilt that should not be. I was well within my right to live my life.

"You're also a part of this family. Family helps each other."

"Who was she helping when she was shoving a needle in her arm every day?" The words shot out hot and searing through the air before I could process them. I stuttered afterward, hoping to explain in a gentler way but it was too late. Those words too were out in the universe.