Stuck...Lost...Alone

FORGIVENESS IS KEY:

I was falling deep into depression and there was no stopping it. I just couldn't find a way out of this maze and I felt completely alone.
Dora was always around to play video games and eat ice cream or watch sad romcoms and cry with me but she didn't understand what was going on. But she was definitely encouraging me to move on. The week came and went but still I was stuck in this trance of seeing only negativity in my life, well until surprisingly Dora gave me some words of wisdom.
"Reecie? I might not understand why you so upset and why you look like you carrying the world on your head but I know you strong and you will get through it. No matter how many times the world throws you off you feet you always get up because you strong and brave and really smart. It might not seem like it now but a few weeks from now or maybe a few months you going to look back and realize how strong you were to overcome everything and you going to be proud of yourself. I believe in you Reecie and I have faith you will get through it. The way to move on is through forgiveness. Forgive everyone. Not for their benefit but your own, this grudge you keeping is only hold you back and dragging you down so forgive them and let go of the load so that you can finally be happy. And you know I'm here for you Reecie"
"Gosh how old are you again?!" She spoke truth. Damn she's smarter than she seems but then again she spends most of her time reading and studying, gaining knowledge. Forgiving wasn't going to be easy but it had to be done. Jess messed up with my heart and I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him with it. John broke me to pieces. My parents ruined me and I keep ruining myself. It's about time I let them go. I went outside and just meditated with the sun sparkling on my face and the wind slightly blowing my hair. I thought of everything. All my problems and issues.
I don't know how long I sat outside thinking but by the time I opened my eyes the sun was hiding and the moon was out.
I went inside,took a shower and went to Jess

It felt awkward knocking on the door. Usually I just used Jess's spare key and opened, but I didn't wonna intrude..maybe he was busy.
He looked so shocked when he opened the door
"Come in Reece sugar"
"Uhm hi. Thanks"
We sat on the couch and Jess bought me a diet coke (I have to stay healthy coz I'm working out)
"I just came to tell you that I forgive you. I won't forget the pain you have caused me but I can't be mad forever. Maybe there's a reason you were cheating,maybe it's because I wasn't showing you the love you wanted. I still love you and I really do want things to work out between us but I'm not sure if I can trust you with my heart right now. I just can't bring myself to give you my heart so that you can go and break it again. I'm sorry but I need some time,away from you...to think about the next step between us."
"I kind of expected that. And I'm in no rush I know I hurt you badly and I really wish I could go back in time and change it but I can't so I'll just have to live with my regrets. I hope you choose your hearts desires...even if it means letting me go. I cheated coz yes I didn't feel any love coming from you. I just wanted you to touch my, play with my hair, tell me how good I look today, or how well I'm doing with my current projects. I wanted your support and attention, but you were too busy on your life to take not of mine...I guess we still have a long way to go with communication. I didn't mean to hurt you and I'm deeply sorry I did. Thanks for forgiving me but I realized I can't live without you. I miss you."
There's tears in my eyes. I wish I could just jump on him and tell him all is well but it's not. Seeing him so broken breaks me but I know I need some time out for myself. I need to set things straight and just figure everything out. I'm sure I'll be with him again but how long will our relationship survive without trust, communication or loyalty? How far am I willing to bend just to make him happy? I miss him too, more than he realises. I wish things could go back to the way they were but they can't and I can't just forget and move on. I hold him whilst he cries and think through my problems. I need him to be with me during the funeral coz as much as I'm still hurt by his actions,his my pillar of strength and only with him by my side am I going to get through this ordeal.
"Maybe I'm being selfish Jess but I really want you to accompany me to the funeral. I don't think I'll be able to do it without you. And I need you to come with me to the hospital....Uhm I have a brain tumor and Uhm I might need surgery depending on the stage, the blood tests are arriving later today. I need you to hold my hand through everything."
"I'll do it with pleasure"
We sit in comfortable silence for a long time...not because we have nothing to say I'm certain we all do have a lot to say but because we don't have to say anymore, we already understand each other, so there's no point in saying it out loud.
I stand up and instantly fall back down, the house is shaking and my brain is dizzy
"Make the house stop shaking Jess!"
"But...the house is standing still Reece...Uhm just stay sitting down."
I do as I'm told and after a few minutes my head stops feeling like it's going to combust and blow up.
Jess held me tight and I'm glad his with me. I know sooner or later his going to realize that me being confused and forgetful all that time was not my own doing. I'll be feeling dizzy and nauseous a lot. It's the symptoms of a brain tumor. And hopefully I'll just have to do radiation therapy or oncology...if I do surgery there's a possibility I might come out of that hospital in a body bag. The sad part of that is I won't even know when I died because they inject me with numbing and sleeping medication. But if I die I die I guess I'll just have to beg and pray that I stay alive long enough to have the wedding of my dreams and see Dora grow up to be a wonderful, amazing woman...a woman better than her mother.