A Thousand Times Enough

* Chapter 26 *

XXVI. • °

The days passed like hours and I was whithering away in Nadia's bedroom. Everything seemed surreal, like a bad nightmare that I was waiting to wake up from but couldn't.

 I couldn't wrap my head around that this was my reality and not a dream. Everything moved in slow motion, it was like I could see my heart bleeding outside of my chest and my tears falling down Nadia's white walls and them being stained.

I could see my thoughts floating around outside of my head, the thoughts of me being okay and getting through this, and then see them getting pushed away by every negative and deranged thought that I couldn't control.

I sat here, I laid there, on Nadia's bed pretending to her and pretending to her mom that I was sick and that everything was fine. The more I said that the more my heart ached, I lied and that's all I could do.

How could I talk to them about it? How could I say anything about it? They wouldn't understand, they would force me to do something I couldn't do. I couldn't go to the police and I couldn't even force myself to, so I suffered. I suffered and tried to put on a smile for days and I even lied to myself.

The more days of school that I missed I guess made Silas wonder about my whereabouts, he texted me numerous times but I ignored him.

 It's not because of our last encounter...actually, maybe it is. What he said replayed in my mind numerous times, but not only that...but the time I spent with him.

I did feel at peace with him, even with what I had gone through, it was like the pain had stopped even if it was a split second when I was with him. I had felt safe.

But I did this to myself, I forced myself on his doorstep, and he was right he didn't go out looking for me.

I thought I could get through what happened like everything else in my life, but that mindset was killing me slowly. I couldn't work, the most important thing in my life right now I couldn't do apart from school. Being around middle-aged men would send me into a spiral, waiting on them, serving them, I couldn't stomach it.

So I didn't, I knew that I didn't want to put Dave in this but I had no choice. I was in no shape to just pick up where I left off even though I told myself I could. I called Dave days prior and told him I couldn't work because I was undeniably sick.

He wished me luck and didn't question it, but I knew it couldn't go on forever, not with Andrea around. I knew sooner or later I was going to have to face going to work again because if I couldn't, I would undoubtedly lose the job that I worked so hard for.

Like every late afternoon had been I dragged myself out of bed, forcing myself to at least shower if that was all I did for the day. My naked feet hit the cold wooden floor as I dragged them to reach the bathroom.

I turned on the shower, undressed, and stepped into the warm water that ran in between my feet. I closed my eyes feeling the warm sensation of the water running down my back. As I was finished showering, brushing my teeth, and putting my hair back up in a ponytail, I stepped out of the bathroom.

I sat down on the bed and felt my stomach growl, I hadn't eaten much of anything...nothing really. I couldn't eat it was beginning to feel as though it was a chore. The more it felt that way, Silas's words pierced at the back of my mind and I questioned it.

But is it starving myself if I can't get anything down? I didn't tell him but he thought that of me...but was he wrong?

Maybe he wasn't, I could feel as days went on it was slowly catching up to me. I fought the urge to lay back down. I knew if I did I would be there until school was over. I forced myself off the bed heading toward the door and headed down the stairs in the direction of the kitchen.