Love Yuh Bad

Acceptance

TRIGGER WARNING: MISCARRIAGE AND FERTILITY DIFFICULTY

**** Same Night / Friday, March 10th 2023 ****

Keri-Anne's POV

Noelle's pregnancy announcement had brought about a wave of unwanted emotions for me.

It's hard to be fully there for someone while dealing with your own shit.

I wanted to reach out, I wanted to share this moment with her, but it was as if everything inside me was stopping me from doing just that.

Blacks and I had been trying for a baby since last year.

Almost a full year of trying. Emphasis on the trying.....

Every time we would come close, it was as if my body would start to completely reject the idea of being a mother.

I would often sit down and ask myself, 'Why was it that everyone else could do this, but I didn't seem to have the ability to'?

For months upon months, I have yearned for this experience, to be able to bask in the joy of having my own little one in my arms.

It wasn't that I wasn't happy for Noelle, I was, this was an experience that she was incredibly deserving of.

All mothers are.

It was just difficult to face my own emotions and issues in the midst of everything.

I had always known that I would be prone to infertility issues, most of the women in my mother's family either suffer from PCOS, endometriosis, or both.

So I didn't expect this to be an easy journey, but earlier in February we found out that I was pregnant again and I was so over the moon when I found out.

We had decided to keep it private until we were sure I would be able to carry our baby full-term.

The trauma of my past miscarriages was just too much to bear.

I didn't want to jinx it this time.

But in the end, none of the shit even mattered, because I still lost my baby.....

I had found out the day before Noelle's housewarming party, and the wound was too fresh to even step outside to deal with anyone except Blacks.

I knew I wouldn't have been able to face my friends and family, especially in the state that I was in.

So Blacks and I decided to skip it.

At first, I was a bit disappointed in myself, I didn't want to let this stop me from experiencing life.

But after receiving news that Noelle announced her pregnancy at the party, I knew then that it was probably best that I didn't go.

A part of me feels ashamed to admit this...

But sometimes I feel angry at God.

It's kinda of like a 'why me' kind of situation, where I have to be constantly questioning what I have done to deserve this.

Why me.....?

I felt like I was as capable as anyone of having a kid, I was financially stable enough, my boyfriend and I loved each other enough, and I had all the boxes ticked off.

So.....why me?

It hurts to know that no matter how well you do with what is needed of you, nothing in this life is guaranteed.

There was someone else pulling the strings, and I just had to go along according to that plan.

No matter how much I wanted this, no matter how many prayers I sent up, in the end, it wasn't up to me.

It seemed like I was able to hold onto control in every other aspect of my life.

With this, I was in way above my head, and there was nothing that I could do to change that.

I felt hopeless.....

They say grief comes in stages.

And for me, the hardest part of this has been the acceptance phase.

I've moved through anger, I've wallowed through depression, I've swam through guilt.

I've even gone as far as to bargain with God, asking him to take something else from me.

I've cried, I've panicked, I've been confused, I've felt guilt.......

I've done it all.

I've done everything but accept.......

I refuse to accept.

It just wasn't like me to take this sitting down, I've always been a fighter.

I wanted this as much as the next woman, and I wasn't going to let a few nos stop me from reaching my yes.

When I am alone by myself and deep in thought, I start to think and daydream about the day I will be able to look back at this point in my life and be able to be okay with everything that has occurred.

In my heart of hearts, I know that there will come a time when I'll be able to hold my baby in my arms.

No matter what any doctor has tried to tell me.....

I always hear people say that all good things come to those who wait.

And me?

I was willing to wait, even if it took forever and a day, for my good thing to happen.

Yea......I was willing to wait.

I had to.

There was no other choice.

I was willing to wait.

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A/N

💕