ivy ; malachi barton

chapter fifteen ; west coast

"you're falling hard, i push away. im feeling hot to the touch. you say i miss you and i wanna say i miss you so much." west coast; lana del rey

malachi ✟

I lay awake in my bed, in the dark, staring at the ceiling. SZA blared through my airpods, racking my brain of every thought I'd had in the last few hours.

I was happy. Then I was proud, watching Evy on that stage. Then I was mad, watching that guy get close to her. Then I was completely rage filled as I beat the fuck out of him. I was guilty, as I saw Evelyn's shocked expression. I was in love, then I was scared, then I was angry. Now, I was insanely worried.

Had I fucked things up between us for good? Had my drunken rage ruined our destroyed relationship for good? Was there any hope for us at all anymore?

I think I knew the answer, I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

Around half an hour later, I heard a door open and a bunch of concerned voices. I heard Evy's muffled murmurs and Sways dramatic exclamations. I was glad that I wasn't there when she came back. I think she deserved a break from me after all the shit that had happened. I had been fucking awful to her. I'd ripped her apart, like I did with everyone I cared about.

Willing myself to stay put, I made myself pretend that I was asleep. I lay still for hours, my mind actively running laps with my eyes closed. I stayed like that when MK came into our room. I stayed like that when he asked if I was still awake. I stayed like that as he flicked off the lamp, and the clock hit the next hour.

Eons later, and I still wasn't asleep. My mind did that a lot. It never stopped working, although I prayed that it would. Sometime I wished that I knew nothing and not enough, so I didn't have to live with all of these constant thoughts.

Sick of being quiet and in the dark, I stood from my bed. I left to go sit in the lounge room, opening the door as silently as I could. MK was a deep sleeper, for which I was grateful for. I slipped out of the room, clicking it closed behind me. I lifted my head through the dimly lit dark, to find a girl sat with her back to me.

Evelyn.

I thought about turning around and going back to bed, but I wasn't sure that I physically could. I wanted to talk to her, to hold her, to apologise and weep in her arms. Even if I needed to, I couldn't. The emotions never came, they always sat dormant in the back of my mind, only to be released during fits of rage and ire.

I wanted to be better. I really did. For her; for the girl I loved. To everyone else, it was a joke. The asshole, funny guy who had the crush on the sweet, talented girl, who wanted nothing to do with him. To me, it was my world. She was my world. Jokes and tales aside, I needed to fix things with her. Not only for my own sanity but for the betterment of Evelyn's conscious.

"Hey." I muttered, loud enough for her to hear. She tensed, angling her head slightly to look at me. I could tell by her posture that she already knew I was there, she had just chosen not to acknowledge me. Evelyn was tired - that much was clear. Whether she was tired of me, tired of life, or just physically tired was unbeknownst to me. I was betting on all three.

"Hi." Evelyn blandly responded, raking her fingers through her silky hair. She sat with her chin on her knee, watching the almost silent television with a saddened expression.

I cleared my throat, making my way into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. I pulled out one for her as well, grabbing some ice to put in it. I wasn't sure if she wanted ice, but I was betting on it for some extra points.

I slowly trekked down into the sunken lounge, placing the glasses down on the coffee table and awkwardly sitting beside the girl. Evy didn't even make a move to look at me, which hurt. I knew that she had every right to be mad at me, it was just that she always seemed to find a place in her heart for some sympathy. Maybe this time, I had used up all her complimentary kindness.

"I'm so sorry, Evelyn." I exhaled, searching for the girls eyes. She made no move to talk, nor look at me. So I continued. "I can't remember half of the shit I said, but I'm sure I didn't mean it."

"Did you mean it when you said you love me?" She asked, still staring staring straight ahead. Evy shocked me with her words; I'd never known her to be the straight-forward type, yet here we were. Had I driven her to the point of insanity? Probably. I wouldn't doubt it.

"What would you say if I said yes?" I muttered, wringing my hands together. Evelyn lowered her gaze, looking into her lap.

"I would say that we won't work." She replied, her voice quivering.

"I know." I said, training my gaze directly onto her. She never looked me in the eyes, but she would flicker her attention to me every so often.

"... Brady." She whispered helplessly. I wanted to hurl at the mention of my friends name - I knew that it wasn't his fault, and I was the one making things complicated, but his presence in the situation still pissed me off. If I could have my way, it would be me and Evelyn. Just us, forever.

"Yeah, I know." I inhaled deeply, rubbing my eyes. "Would things be different... if he wasn't involved?"

Evelyn gaped at my question, distressed while she searched for an answer. I knew that the answer was yes, but there were so many ways that she could tell me that.

Instinctively, I reached for the girls hand. Finally, she looked at me; her pink, plush lips softly agape as she stared up at me through thick eyelashes. I ran my thumb over her knuckles painfully slowly, wanting to press my lips to her skin so desperately. Instead I merely watched her, the way she squirmed underneath my gaze and the way she flinched at my touch, no matter how soft.

"You've only just become friends again, Malachi." Evelyn whispered, grimacing with a pained expression. It was so on brand for her to be worried about our friendship in this situation, regardless of her struggles.

"And I don't wanna throw that away," I readjusted my position on the couch, turning to face her more. "But I don't know if I can keep myself away from you."

The blonde girl pushed her hair behind her ears, chewing her lip out of nerves. She glanced up at me warily, the warm glow of the TV casting a gentle light over her pretty face. Evy looked so broken in that moment. She was scared, tired, sick. Another cruel voice erupted in my mind; this is all because of you. She's hurting because of you.

"Maybe... we can't start by being friends?" Evelyn suggested ever so innocently. I almost laughed at her words. Friends? That was about as likely as the Sun never rising again. But I would put in the effort. For her.

Instead of laughing in her face, I smiled. I squeezed her hand tighter. "Friends, then."

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