Forget me

24

It's been a week since I've been on this ship and I've been locked in my room . I'm only allowed a bathroom time once a day and brutal training hours for the rest of the day . I only get fed at night . Apparently this is proper soldier training . I beg to differ , all if these supreme soldiers eat three times a day and have proper bathroom breaks . I put on the combat uniform that has been provided for me . I have zero protection here , all of these soldiers are twice my size . There are no females on this ship . Here it's fight or die , there are no rules on this command ship . The soldiers are allowed to kill each other when off duty and I don't sleep at night . Anderson is a ruthless man and it makes me sick . I have shooting practice for the first hour of the day . My body grows weaker each day , because my stomach refuses to keep the contents of food in my body . And I can't sleep .

I walk over to the shooting range and find Xander talking to his buddy's . I feel my heart rate rise to a significant speed , it's not because of attraction or sadness , but pure undiluted rage .
" Please Xander she's a woman . She can't kill a man " the one says and the others laugh , Xander's gaze meets mine and he smiles a scared smile trying to mask his fear "
I laugh and pull the gun making it click " Please , a woman can easily kill a man "
I shoot at my target without breaking eye contact with Xander " With the right motivation " I eye Xander up and down put my arm down and look at my target . I shot a nice clean shot . a Smirk dances in the corner of my lips .

I enter the lonely cube , I call my bedroom now . I fall face first into my mattress and feel my body slip away from reality . All I see is Xander , what we could have been what we should have been , the fact that I might never recover from this . I got my heart broken . I hid it , not because it's some precious gem or gift to be earned , but because it is the root of all feeling in my life . My heart is a black ocean devouring anything that could be , it's so hungry for something .... something that I could actually succeed in . Something good . Something that I hope for that could actually come true . I'm used to disappointment , expect nothing and you won't be disappointed . It was the way I went through life after the first disappointment . Never give up they said , if it's meant for you it will happen , well then I guess nothing is meant for me . Very few things I have hoped for have happend . Maybe my faith isn't strong enough , but I guess it's better to just accept everything that comes your way , because everything is a lesson , I'm just a little tired of lessons .

I jump up from my nightmare cold sweat breaking all over me . The ocean used to be my best friend and it has now become my enemy . I stumble out of bed feeling nauseous and bleak . My body aching . I grab the bucket and throw up the contents I try to keep in my stomach . My body is so empty , nothing comes out , yet the gag reflex demands . I'm so tired of this I can't take it any more .