Secrets, Deals and Lies

Chapter 6 - Black Holes

Even after three days I still didn’t get out of bed. I didn’t eat, I didn’t talk, I didn’t move. The only time I ever moved was to go to the toilet only a few times but after a while it was like my body was practically shut down, I couldn’t think straight and sometimes I’d find myself crying for no reason. I was out of my own body and watching myself lay there, vulnerable, helpless and miserable.

Why am I still here? I’d ask myself. Should I leave? Should I run away again?

The thoughts I had soon past and it was like my mind was somewhere else. My brain wouldn’t think anymore and time just slipped unnoticeable.

I was still confused and furious about why, of all people, Nick would be the one to hurt someone. I mean The Warden I knew would probably would, maybe even Billy, but Nick?

No way.

I was so worried about Jack it became aware to me that I still didn’t know if he was still alive or not. He’s okay, he is. Nothing happened; Jack just finally decided to leave. It’s better for him. I always said to myself. But the more I thought about it the more I started to give in.

I could never have imagined it; I can’t even think about it, let alone believe it at all.

I kept asking myself questions and every time I’d answer it I would get more and more stressed. I felt like I was crawling into this black hole, a place where I didn’t want to be but did at the same time.

At night I dreamt I was at the park with Jack but I had no mouth so I couldn’t talk, I tried to tell him something but I couldn’t, frustrated I walked off and found myself falling into a never-ending black hole I tried to scream but I had no mouth so all I could do was watch as the opening of the hole got smaller and smaller and soon all there was black all around me. I’d wake up shaking violently and crying into my pillow.

Sometimes when I’m awake I wanted to crawl into that black hole anyway, I hated it but it was so much more comforting then being in this distant world, lying in this big bed all alone and by myself.

On the sixth day that was when my body stated to feel like it shut down, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak and I could no longer cry as if all the tears were drained out of me.

I remember Daniel coming in and for some reason walking out straight after. I remember looking at the floor and saw pieces of glass spread everywhere, water dripping down the wall next to the door.

I hate you. I wanted to yell at him. I hate you!

I wanted to scream and shout so that everyone in the world could know. I wanted everyone in the house to see my hatred toward them, but my throat had dried up and I couldn’t even talk.

Sometimes I heard people shouting down stairs but I didn’t care anymore and after a while the voices soon grew forgotten and lost, I couldn’t remember whose voice was whose.

I felt so frustrated and angry, confused and scared, but then I thought – was laying here feeling like nothing a satisfaction to Billy, Daniel and The Warden – to all of them?

I lay there and thought for a while before deciding I should do something different: find out answers. Is Jack dead or alive? Was it Nick that almost killed him, or someone else? What Nick’s trying to build? What’s in his office? Why I’m even here? And most of all – where is my mother?

I sit up fast with the idea and only just remember I’ve been lying down for almost two weeks now, my head starts to feel light and the room starts to spin around me. I sit there for a moment to let it pass, but it doesn’t. Ignoring the dizziness I bring my legs out of my warm blanket and onto the thick carpet letting the coldness of the room devour me before standing up. For a second the dizziness passed but I then felt my stomach begin to rumble and flip horrendously, I think I was about to throw up.