Secrets, Deals and Lies

Chapter 9 - Could Death be Better?

 ‘One night he came to me and gave me back the money I used for his bail. But I didn’t want it; I just wanted us to be friends again like we used to be before everything happened.

‘He acted as if we were never even friends and he looked at me with such pity I wanted to smash him. And that’s exactly what I did except he was just as strong as me and we only stopped because a couple of police men happen to walk by and pulled us off each other. We walked off shameful, bloody and furious; bruises already coming up, blood everywhere and…’ I look away trying to drown out his words and he knew I didn’t want to hear the details, ‘stop. Please,’ I begged not wanting to hear the rest and for some reason tears pricked my eyes and I was on the verge of crying. I don’t know what I’d have done if I were in the middle of it and was a bystander calmly watching them both fight to the death.

I shuddered and this time Billy put a calm hand on my knee, ‘don’t worry, it’s all in the past. We learnt from our mistakes and even though we both changed and went different ways neither of us regret what had happened… okay maybe some but y’know.’

My stomach churned and all of a sudden I wished Billy hadn’t told me anything and kept his mouth shut, even though I was the  one urging him to keep going. My thoughts and feelings for Jack somewhat changed and I had no idea what I felt anymore. Sure I still loved him but he lied to me in the easiest way possible and I hadn’t even realised it.

Then again hadn’t I lied to him about practically everything else?

 Could someone like Jack really have been part of a gang? Why didn’t he just tell me? Did he really do all the things or was Billy exaggerating? And did Jack really ditch Billy after he bailed him out like any other friend would’ve?

I wanted to ask all these questions to Billy but instead I groaned long and louder than I’d expected. I slip down so I was lying on my back with my hands hiding my face and I felt somewhat one inch tall.

How could I have been so blind and naïve?

Billy starts stroking my hair as I find my head comfortably lying in his lap, never wanting him to stop stroking. I felt like a cat or a lost and confused little girl.

‘I thought Jack had already told you about our rivalry?’ he asks softly slowing the stroke on my head and waiting for my answer. I sit back up to look at him properly, sad because it meant no more stroking. ‘Nah. Jack never told me anything about that stuff. He dismissed it and came up with something else to talk about. I hated it but there was nothing I could do, it’s not like I was going to force it out of him.’

He starts  to nod and I only just notice how close he was to me now, inching his way even closer and looking deep into my eyes. I don’t know what happened but I found him planting a kiss on my lips softly and I actually let him, before he could pull back I moved forward until I found his soft lips once again. He soon cupped my face as my hand was at his nape, intertwining with his soft hair.

He was nowhere near as harsh as I’d have imagined he was the complete opposite, but still, any other time I would’ve stopped straight away and slapped him in the face, but not this time. I actually didn’t care anymore, I missed the feeling of being loved by someone that accepted you, the feeling I always got when I was around Jack or even Nick.

Oh god, what was I doing?

I wanted to be happy for once but I wasn’t, in fact I was angry; angry that Jack wasn’t here; angry that I can no longer see him for the rest of my miserable life; angry because I was letting Billy kiss me and I was retuning it back! And I was angry at me for using Billy to escape my fear of never being loved again.