The Nightmare Has Only Begun

Chapter Sixteen

(Jonhathan)

"I miss your dad." I whisper to Vivian in my arms as I feed her her bottle in the middle of the night. She's looking up at me unaware of what I said. Too occupied and young to understand anything while Jayden is fast asleep in the other room.

Somehow I was convinced into letting Jayden sleep in the room next to mine by himself. His own bed, his own space away from me and not forced to share the small room with Vivian and I. He has more room now than he ever had before when he used to sleep in the living room before we came here. Jared had made up a place for him on one side of the living room for Jayden to call his own with a small bed and his toys but it wasn't really a room. It wasn't really big either but he liked it. He didn't complain either but now he has his own room and I can tell he likes it a lot better. He has what he should have had for years but I don't know how I feel about it.

Another month has gone by and I don't know what to feel about everything. I don't know what to think and believe at this point. Jayden wants to stay here but I don't. He doesn't see here as a bad place as I do. He's more happy as a child here than I ever was growing up. I don't like here. I don't think I will ever when it has never felt like a home then or now.

We don't belong here.

Our home, the three of us, was with Jared. It is with Jared and not here like we have been. We were happy there without anyone else in our life to complicate life itself. I thought we were happy there, we were. Jayden and Vivian don't know any different with him almost six and Vivian a month old. They don't know what is best for them and what I went through. I don't want them to know either about my life I hated and Jared's past that doesn't need to be brought to the present and change everyone's life involved.

I have a different life then what I was living for years that isn't what I wanted. I don't know what I should be feeling back home for this long than what I have been telling myself over and over because I don't want to see things differently. I don't want to see it through their eyes I have forbid myself to look through since I have been living here.

Why should I? Why do I want to? They don't know anything. They don't know me no matter how hard they try to say they do. They don't know Jared and what we had. They just don't know.

I hated being here. I hated having two parents who didn't give a damn about me! I hated my school! I hated this city! I hated everyone in general more than I wanted to admit! I hated my life and myself that's why I wanted to leave!

I wanted to kill myself because there was no one to tell me otherwise. No one to convince me my life was worth living. I had no friends and no reasons to live. I wanted out of here but I can't even get that being here when I rather be somewhere else.

I feel like I'm living in a surreal world that shouldn't exist. I'm living somewhere I don't want to be and none of it ever ends. My parents seem too happy having stopped bringing up Jared. Except for the news which they hardly watch and turn the channel from they never speak about it around me but behind closed doors too whispered I can't hear anymore.

I guess they realized talking aloud where I could hear through the thin walls in the house like they had before when I first arrived wasn't making my life better. Not like living here is making my life better when I hate it but I guess for the pass few months my mom hasn't been talking down to me like a child. She hasn't mentioned Jared and what went on when I was gone.

She probably realized my dad would divorce her again for nagging this time instead of cheating on him. It isn't like I care about their relationship though. I can really care less about it except when I start to think we are finally a happy family. We aren't split apart anymore and as I see it slowly every day I'm losing the battle over my life. I have no say in it. None of my words matter when I'm not going anywhere.