Missing Like You

SIX

Sandy
Sunday December 18, 2016

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote in here. A lot has happened in the past four months and I've just been so busy. To get you up to speed, I moved out!

It happened in September. I realized after my last entry in here that I couldn't continue on living in that cramped apartment with my dad. I love him dearly, but it was just too much for the both of us. And besides, this is a sacrifice I am doing for him. Now that I'm gone, he doesn't have to worry about money as much. He can buy whatever groceries he wants for the week and not worry about how much he needs to get for me.

But here's the thing... I didn't really tell him that I was moving out. I packed my bag in the middle of the night and fled. I know, it's a bit overdramatic and unnecessary, but I couldn't risk him trying to stop me, which he totally would have done if he knew what I was planning. So I haven't spoken to him in four months and he has no idea where I am. I left him a note so that he wouldn't worry or call the police. But I don't think the note was enough for him. He was probably really worried. I feel bad. But Christmas is next week, so I'm planning on making a surprise visit home to see him! I'm sure he'll be so ecstatic to see me and not at all angry that I left in the middle of the night with no warning.

I saw Tommy one last time before I left town. Summer was coming to an end, it was the last week of August. We hadn't seen each other all month and I kind of missed him even though I was trying really hard not to. He told me that he never even want on a date with Erika, so whoever had spread that rumour was lying. At least that made me feel a little bit better. He said he had just been really busy this month because he was going away for school in September and had a bunch of stuff he had to do. I totally forgot that practically everyone was moving away in September.

Tommy and I had sex one last time, and he told me that he'll never forget about me. I'm sure that was a lie. He'll probably go off to university and meet some pretty blonde girl who will have big boobs and a nice smile and he'll fall in love with her and they'll live happily ever after. Not that I care. I don't even like Tommy that much. He was just nice company to have once in a while.

With the prospect of everyone going off to school, it really got me thinking about myself and my own predicament. I would evidently not be going off to school, and in turn, would be stuck in this stupid town with nothing to do. I knew I'd have to find a job. But I didn't want people from high school to come home for Thanksgiving and see me working at the local McDonald's or something. That's so embarrassing. And then there was everything going on with my dad and finances and stuff. So I guess that's how the idea came to me. And that's how I ended up where I am now.

I live in a sorority with a bunch of girls. After I packed my bag and left that night in early September, I took a bus a few towns over and showed up to one of the sorority houses at the college there. I pretended to be enrolled in the school and the girls said I had to have an audition of sorts to be a part of the sorority. I ended up passing with flying colors and they loved me! (Probably because I'm really good at faking it and pretending to be someone I'm not.) They moved me in, gave me my own bedroom, and welcomed me like a sister. We are all sisters here at Alpha Chi Omega. I will admit, it's a little hard keeping up with this lie that I go here. Each and every day I have to wake up early and go to classes with everyone. I sit in lectures and pretend to write important things down in notebooks. I mean, I kind of technically go here now. Except I'm not officially enrolled as a student, nor do I pay any money to the school. If anyone ever found out, they'd think I'm some deranged freak who likes to sit in lectures for no reason in her spare time. But I guess that's kind of accurate, right?

At least it gives me a place to live. I have a roof over my head and I get three meals a day. So going to classes that mean nothing to me kind of makes up for it. (I'm also learning a whole bunch too, so that's a plus.)

We go to parties every weekend and have parties at the Alpha Chi Omega house. Everyone loves the sisters and they are always invited everywhere. I am technically a sister, which means that by default, everyone loves me too. I've never really known what it's like to have a family like the one I have here, but let me just tell you, it's fucking awesome. Walking around where everyone knows my name, having that familial sense of love and belonging. I wouldn't trade it for the world. And while I do feel some sort of remorse for leaving my father the way I did, I don't regret it at all, because if I never left, then I never would have found the family I have here.

My biggest fear, naturally, is that someone is going to find out the truth. They'll somehow know that I lied and faked my way in here and they'll tell everyone and expose me. Then I'll be banished from Alpha Chi Omega and be homeless. But I honestly don't even care about being outed and losing a home. I'd only care about losing my sisters I've made here and having them hate me. Could they truly hate me for what I did? Or would they understand?

The parties here are so awesome. Euphoric and mesmerizing. There's always plenty of alcohol and drugs, even though no one is even legally allowed to have any of it. Sometimes our house leader, Naomi, thinks the police will come and we'll get shut down and arrested. But that hasn't happened yet and I don't think it's going to. Who would call the police on us?

I've tried a bunch of new things since being here. I never drank alcohol much back home, but here, it's kind of hard not to. I'm really into the sweet mixed drinks that the houses make. I've tried beer but I don't really like the taste. I'm not a huge fan of hard liquor either, but I drink it anyways because it gets me drunk really fast. Sometimes they put M in the drinks and it makes me feel even better than I do when I'm just drunk. I've tried smoking a joint as well and that makes everything feel pretty cool. Some of the drugs make all the pain go away and life is just better overall. I don't worry as much and my thoughts become less erratic. It calms me down and makes everything peaceful. It's an out of body experience where my mind is in complete control and I can see everything from a different perspective.

I've met a few guys since I've been here. I presume they all wanted the same thing as Tommy, so we mostly just have sex and do drugs. I worried before about being the Class Slut like I was after prom, but no one here seems to think about or care what I do. The sisters are all really supportive, letting me borrow cute outfits and encouraging me to go see cute boys. There was this guy named Christian who was so hot. We hung out a lot when I first got here. But then for some reason he stopped talking to me. Naomi and Monique told me that boys do that sometimes, just stop talking to you for no reason. It's usually because they get bored and want someone new to play with. Does that mean I'm just a toy? Probably. But that's okay. I don't mind being used and discarded like a toy. At least I got to have some fun in the meantime.

I think you have to have a certain mindset when it comes to these things. It's all about perspective. So rather than feeling sad about a boy not talking to me, I should flip those emotions and feel happy. I got something out of it too. And if he can move on and find someone new, then so can I. So that's exactly what I did.

There's this girl here named Jasmine who's really pretty and all the boys talk to. She's got caramel colored skin and exotic eyes. I was talking with her at one of the parties recently, and I asked her how she can afford to have such expensive clothes and designer accessories while putting herself through school. She told me she has two jobs and is really good with her money. I asked what her jobs were, and the first one, she told me, is working in the admin office here on campus. She didn't talk about what the second job was, so I kind of pushed her about it. She leaned in real close and made sure no one else was around. She got this funny little smile on her face, like whatever she was about to tell me was really entertaining. She whispered it in my ear, her breath hot on my skin. She told me that she's a stripper. A real life stripper, like in the movies. I was so shocked. I asked her if it's dangerous or degrading and she said no. She really enjoys doing it and says it's all about control. Only let people see the you that you want to reveal. Also, she said it makes a lot of money. When I asked how much, she told me it's more than she's ever made working in admin.

Perhaps I should try it.