Missing Like You

SEVENTEEN

SCOTT DONOVAN
FEBRUARY 2021

In order to explain it all, we need to go back. All the way back.

Back to February of 2021, when this whole thing started.

Enter: Lexie. The one person who would change everything.

I regret ever learning of her existence.

It was a few days after I created my LV account that I matched with her, Lexie. Little did I know at the time that this small, innocuous action would have a world of consequences. But don't let me get ahead of myself.

I had matched with a few other people, and each and every time that little notification went off, I felt a pang of guilt. Each of these women were probably doing the same thing as me, discreetly logging into a computer somewhere without their spouse's knowledge. It felt dirty and wrong, but there was also something thrilling about it.

The conversations with Lexie seemed to flow. It turned out that we had a lot in common. She seemed funny. And nice. It was unusual, having such a mundane conversation with another woman who wasn't my wife. I wasn't used to it. But somehow, it all felt normal. So when Lexie suggested we meet up and get drinks one night, I agreed.

Lexie was also from Philly, so we chose a bar that was in the center of the city. I planned it on one of the nights I knew Isabelle was going to see one of her friends, then told her that I was going downtown for drinks with Jake and some of our colleagues. Before Iz left the house that evening, she kissed me on the cheek, grabbed her purse, and headed out the front door. I'd never felt such relief.

I looked in the mirror and really stared hard at my reflection. I debated cancelling, or perhaps just not showing up. I felt bad about standing this girl up, but not as bad as I'd feel about cheating on my wife. I looked myself up and down, deliberating hard. We had already both agreed to do this, the plans were set in motion. I could either pull the plug and not go through with it, delete my LV account, and pretend the whole thing never happened, or, I could stop overthinking and just go.

I went with the latter.

There I sat, at a bar in the middle of Philadelphia, a drink in front of me, staring at the television screen above. I was concentrating on the game, watching the Eagles take the lead. I barely registered when she sat down beside me, immediately capturing my attention. "Scott?" she said, and I really got a good look at her then.

She still had her mask on from when she entered the bar, but once she sat down, she removed it from her face. I had seen her pictures online, but those were nothing compared to how she was in person. They didn't even do her any justice – she was stunning. Light brown hair that resembled milk chocolate. She had it clipped back, half up, half down. It fell in gentle waves beside her face and over her shoulders. Her eyes were bright blue, just how I'd seen them in her pictures. She had dark makeup, eye shadow and winged eyeliner with red lips to finish. Her face was petite and round and she stared at me, blinking once, as she awaited my response.

I ordered her a drink and we fell immediately into an easy conversation, just how we had online. For a brief few hours, I almost forgot that what I was doing was wrong and immoral. I felt like a normal guy, at a bar, talking with a girl. Was this how most of my friends felt for the good majority of their years? Going out into the wilderness, searching for a mate as if it were the most common thing in the world? I presume so. And that's how I felt that night with Lexie. It all came so easy.

We talked for a long time, no topics were off limits. I think because we were both doing something wrong in the same way, we felt as though we could confide in one another. I wanted to talk about my marriage, simply to vent to someone. But it also felt wrong, talking about Isabelle with another woman. So instead, I kept things brief, only giving her a light overview of my marriage and what initially brought me to Lenora Valentine. I think Lexie felt the same because she didn't go into depth about her marriage or her husband, just told me the basics and said that she had been unhappy for a while.

She seemed like a good person, genuinely, despite the cheating on her husband. For all I know, she probably thought the same about me. She was magnetic and alluring. There was something about her that left me wanting more. All the signs were there. We were both into each other. For all intents of purposes, we should have finished off our drinks, joined hands, and left the bar together that night. But we didn't. Something stopped me. Perhaps I really do have a moral compass after all. Although, after you hear the rest of my story, I highly doubt you'll agree.

We walked outside together into the night. I stood at the curb staring at her face, hooked on her bright blue eyes. She was pretty. So tiny and petite, just like Isabelle. I wanted to scoop her up and carry her home with me. But I knew I couldn't do that. I think she sensed my apprehension, so instead of asking where we could go together, she simply grabbed the collar of my shirt, pressed her lips to mine, then pulled away and said, "Goodnight, Scott. It's been a pleasure."

I thought that would be the end of it. We seemed to leave things mutually agreeing that it was a fun night, but something we should ultimately erase from our memories and never do again. So when I ended up in a hotel room with her one week later, I think it's safe to say that neither one of us saw it coming.