Built for Sin

6 | Touching Her

Tw: Abuse, scars, and suicidal thoughts.

C A T A L I N A

Another day, I tell myself.

Another day of being confined to the same four walls.

It's been an entire week since I was forced to swear the omaha oath. I also won the race against Lorenzo like the bad b-word that I am.

Tears began to roll down my face when I crossed the finish line. Hiding my face from Paolo was rather difficult, but I managed. I couldn't let him see me cry. I told myself that I was only crying because I was happy that I won, the mantra "i'm happy" repeating in my mind like a broken record.

After all, once you tell a lie long enough, you start to believe it yourself.

Getting up after staring at the ceiling for the past hour, I avoided the large mirror in the room and went straight to the bathroom.

A hot shower would help settle the lack of happy thoughts in my mind.

I need a juice box.

I made a mental note to ask Lorenzo if he could get some juice boxes since they were basically my drug of choice.

they're drugs, nobody can convince me otherwise. Especially Capri-Sun.

Slowly putting my hand under the waterfall-like shower head, I tested the temperature and let out a quiet squeal of excitement when the perfectly warm water ran down my hand.

I got in the shower and stood directly under the falling streams of water, allowing my previously tense body to melt into itself.

One thing I like to do when showering is pretending that all my negative, overwhelming thoughts are being washed down the drain. It helps me continue the rest of the day feeling 'clean' in a way that isn't physical.

As the warm— almost hot— water hit me and my muscles began to relax, all I could feel was the empty pit in my chest.

I feel lonely.

Inexpressibly lonely.

The same heart wrenching feeling always visits me and it's always stronger than the previous visit.

The feeling hugs me, holds me, and seeps into every inch of my skin. It's an ugly feeling and I wish I didn't have to feel this way every time i'm left alone with my thoughts.

Too lost in my not so happy thoughts, I didn't even notice that my body had turned red. Probably because it was irritated from the hot water.

Stepping out, I accidentally caught my appearance through the mirror.

It was obvious that I hadn't been doing well, a simple glance told me just that. The bags underneath my eyes and the way my lips were red from the incessant peeling made me gently hold my hand against my face. I dragged my finger into the hallow of my cheekbones, bringing it to my lips and swiping a droplet of blood away.