never change he said. never change..
I've done a considerable amount of thinking recently.. and all it's done is cloud my mind and make me sad and feel a lot less worthy of the happiness I receive.
I don't want to feel that way.. but it's a default. the second something starts to get good, I get scared of the ways I'll ruin it.. and then somehow I always do.. eventually. whether it takes time or not.. I manage to be so self-destructive and not even realize it.
so.. why never change?
..
never change my mood swings?
never change my insecurities?
my overthinking?
my anxiety getting in the way of everything?
me jumping to conclusions?
my pointless arguments?
my quiet moments that ruin everyone's mood?
me constantly have something wrong or to be sad about?
my passive aggressive comments?
my trust issues?
my messed up past that seems to haunt me?
my pettiness?
my inability to accept a compliment?
the distance I purposely space between everyone for no real reason except that I get scared and run away?
..
why never change.. when I feel like I should to become something.. someone better that everyone can better enjoy.
I have so many flaws.. and it doesn't matter what's said.. I feel like they are so unlovable. I, myself, just feel unlovable.. that's why i do the things I do.. because if I can't find myself lovable.. then I don't understand why anyone else would..
I've been proven wrong.. and told differently.. and while it helps, I still am afraid that it's just fake.. just for show.. just sympathy.. I can never trust that someone just says something and actually means it without saying "are you sure?" and pissing them off for doubting them.
I ruin everything because I get scared, and soon, I'm scared they won't look past that.. it'll become such a burden.. the reason of there being an ending.. because I couldn't just see myself the way they do.. I wish I could.. but it just doesn't seem right..
I don't know what they're seeing.. how they feel about me. I assume it's bad, and when they tell me something good.. I don't believe them..
it's just my default.. I always retreat back to it.
and I want that to change..
_____
I just keep messing up..
maybe it's just best if I were to be alone anyway..
- belle </3
YOU ARE READING
one day i began to think
General FictionAlright, so this was formally known as lazy reads. It's no longer that. I do put short stories on here occasionally. OCCASIONALLY. But recently it's been a nice little public journal that really no one reads. What I publish is supposed to be someth...
