one day i began to think

baby don't hurt me..

i.. okay.

there's too much catching up to do to get to where I am right now.. so the short version is that..

my friends haven't been the nicest to me.

they chose Naomi..

at first I was just..depressed and dealt with it to keep them as friends because I had no one else.

well then during play I got closer with another girl and we really began to connect.

then on ncyc her and another girl and I all roomed together and got super close talking until 3 am about our lives.

my friends got jealous and upset that I didn't just stay said and do whatever they wanted anymore.

they aren't really my friends anymore.. not even who was supposed to be my best friend. 

she only ever talks to me when she needs something for school, when she's down and needs to talk, or when she needs relationship advice because guys began to have interest in her. 

I miss her.. but she chose Naomi and that was clear to me.. so, I let myself drift away.

I probably should be more sad about it but.. I have these two girls who are so real and I can talk about literally anything with. Sex, drinking, parties, fights, bad grades, family issues. I've kept that all to myself recently because me old friends wouldn't understand or care but they've both been through it all and can relate or have gone through the exact same things. it's a breath of fresh air honestly.. it's great and I hate that it got this great my senior year.

okay..

now, I meant to write last night but my mind was every which way that I pushed it off. but then I woke up this morning and changed my mind..

I went on a double date with one of my new friends and her boyfriend and her boyfriend'd friend. the friend was for me.. his name is Nolan. I met him at my 18th birthday party and evidently he told my friend's boyfriend that he thought I was beautiful and really wanted to get to know me. So they gave him my snap, and since then we've been talking a lot. Even at the party I sat with him and he kept putting his arm around me. His hand was really warm when it was placed on my waist. I don't know exactly what kind of feeling it gave me.. but it was nostalgic almost. we also wrestled that night, it was a lot of fun. 

he's blonde, with beautiful blue eyes. he's got a nice structured face with defined features. he's tall and fit, and works out pretty often from what I've seen. he's got a great smile. his voice is nice and deep. he's a little bit older than me. he loves to make me laugh and crack a lot of jokes. he likes to learn all about me and my 3 jobs. he gets nervous when he's around me sometimes and I actually think it's kind of cute.. he likes country but evidently listens to some rap. he doesn't like coffee but said he wants to get into it and told me he'd try what I get just for me. he hunts so he's been busy the last few days and showed me on his vsco the things he's killed and wants me to come with him some time. I've been told that he's got great intentions with me and actually wants something.. good with me. he had a girlfriend for about a year or so, and he was pretty committed to her and a great boyfriend to her.. but they didn't work out.. and now he wants someone who wants the same things as him..

and that all just..

scares the absolute shit out of me..

it's so so amazing.. but I'm so afraid to be with someone new like this. to have to tell him everything about me, my past relationships, what my family is like. Tell him all the things I'm into and wonder if he'll judge or want to be apart of it.