one day i began to think

this is goodbye.

I wrote my chapter  "fuck love" a while ago, sometime last year.. and let out everything that pissed me off about someone and the end of what ever we called ourselves. well.. I just wrote a part two. same person. similar endings.. but I don't feel like posting it, and it doesn't deserve to be read or let them again know my thoughts when they've been choosing to close me out and block me off of any platform possible.

I got my anger out.. and eventually I will let them see.. but right now and forth I want to be the bigger person, not the one who yells, who looks mean, who says hurtful things because of their ego or reputation or other people they want to satisfy. because that's not me. I won't let this kind of immaturity change the way I act, because I'm better than that. I won't be the one who looks stupid or like an asshole. for the people that really matter.. they'll see my kind heart, ask why I put myself through this, and realize that it wasn't me who tore it apart.. they'll believe my proof through the love I so willingly offered.. the growth I tried so hard to give.. the patience I had and the reflection I allowed myself to do to get better.. they'll all see that I tried to do what I could.. I kept my calm and just wanted something pure.. 

and they might feel bad, and that's okay. but they'll see if I can react this way.. against the other party and what they did. I won't be the one they pray for.. because they'll know I didn't lose myself in the midst of the parting. I didn't become someone different.. or show true colors or intentions that weren't the kindest. I stayed me.. and that's what someone will truly appreciate someday, and will want to keep me for it forever.. not worry they might've made a mistake they'll regret later in their life.

as for the last couple of days and the last week. I've done some thinking. at first.. I had optimism of a happy ending where it was unity again.. and that kept me going for a while, kept me stable. I manifested that possibly. knowing that this isn't the end. my battery has run low now for a while.. giving up sounds easy, sounds like something to end this one person army I've built to fight against the odds. that's just not me.. I don't give up. but.. 

I thought more about my self worth.. suddenly my entire outlook on my life changed. for the first time in a while.. I cried for a different reason. over the fact that.. I am moving on. my mind began to think of anything else. I didn't force it, force myself to think that to get better. I didn't make anything happen of the sorts. it came naturally.. "came easy" if you will. I cried until my tears ran dry, and once they did.. my attitude towards everything felt a lot more uplifting. I haven't had much thought of this mission I assigned myself to.. I've been busy living. no longer just surviving through tough days. 

I'm.. excited again about little things. excited for a future with so many things waiting for me. I don't want to be held back anymore.. as much as I might've wanted something- someone- more than anything.. I don't want to wait too long for someone else to grow up when I could be doing that for myself. so that's what I've been doing.. and continuing to do as I walk through this stage in my life where i need to live it to the fullest before stepping into college. I want to cherish what  business I have left to do here in this age and not be caught up in what hurt me or what could've gone better. I might be doing this alone and.. it might be scary.. but no good thing just comes easy, you need to work for it. and that's what I intend to do. if they don't want to be around while I do that or be apart of it, if they want to take me off of their social platforms and ignore me.. then that's okay, if it pains them that much and that's how they want to act or feel.. I have no protest.. it's their life and I'm not in it anymore, they don't want me to be. I hope the best for them and want better for me. 

In the back of my mind.. I'll always silently be waiting for something. for their return or some sort of connection to rise again. I'll always have something to remind me of them. and I know that day may never come, so I can't lie in wait forever. being able to recognize that is just how my heart works will only make me stronger in pursuing a better environment for myself- one someone will understand and love me for it. I have better things to do now.. and that's what I want for myself. to move forward and only look back if I have to. 

I wasn't ready to let go.. but now I am.