one day i began to think

on the 26th of december

hey..

last night I didn't get much sleep.. after reading your post I was.. really unsettled to say the least. I wasn't sure how to feel.. so it kept me up.

I guess I just wanted to say a few things myself.

Thank you.. for the kind words. That you're happy for me and want the best for me and whatnot. but, unfortunately I have to break the news to you that Nolan and I didn't work out, or at least I don't think so anymore. I don't really see it happening anyway.. being in a relationship right now just isn't his priority with it being senior year and all of his friends moving away soon.. and I respected that.. so I let him go. 

So.. I appreciate what you had to say and you're glad I had someone good for me, but, I guess you kind of just wasted your breath..

it's okay though, you meant well. and so did Nolan.. I guess him and I just aren't meant to be. I did the tiktok trend where you blink for angel numbers and.. nah, he ain't the one, I never got angel numbers when thinking of him. 

so, now you don't have to feel "as bad" or unlucky because.. I'm alone now too. I'm in the same boat. This is the longest I've been single in 3 years too. Since freshman year in fact. First Joe, then you.. twice, and although I had a few "attempts" with a few guys.. I didn't really count that as anything. Nolan was the closest I got because of what he wanted in a relationship.. and I was kind of just perfectly placed in his life for that.. but it just.. ended anyway. kind of sucks.. makes me wonder if I did something wrong or.. just am not enough for guys anymore but.. I'm going to try to step away from that ledge of overthinking, I don't really want to let myself hurt too much over the situation. I'm just not really sure what I want to do now. all of this hope for a relationship living within me and now just.. needs to evaporate. Whatever, I'll figure it out.

you don't really have anything to be jealous of now.. but see, now you know I wasn't lying when guys would hit on me when we were together. Guess you had something special huh.. ish. You're right, when we were together I was incredibly insecure, I always thought of myself as the ugly one in the relationship. I wondered if people thought you could do better than me.. I know some people did obviously. I just thought I could easily be replaceable as the girl on your arm, or your best friend, gamer buddy, whatever someone important to you would be. I was a lot shyer, didn't really like to speak up, didn't really like to step out of my comfort zone.. even if it was toxic for me and I should've left ages ago. I liked things the way they were because it was safe. 

but then you left.. and that kind of all drifted away. I was scared out of my mind, I didn't really know where to go from there. I wanted to curl up and just be forgotten.. but I did that once when we broke up the first time and it just wasn't good for me. So, instead.. I just wanted to remind myself that I don't just have to be someone's girlfriend and crumble once I'm not in a relationship. Immediately I did what I could to.. recharge my spirit. I did my makeup the next day, got all dolled up. The next few weeks I was working out a lot, doing things that made me happy like doodling or organizing or planning out the rest of my summer. I got closer with a few girls from lost island and we made the rest of what he had of summer together. So.. I created my own sense of.. single purpose. I just wanted to be happy without it being romantically oriented. I had a lot of ambition to do things and succeed. so I was determined to do good in school: check. to live out my senior year happily: it's been a rollercoaster but overall check. to save money: I have three jobs now so definitely check. maintain a healthy friend group: no check. as I have said before, my friend group has been pretty shitty. Naomi.. replaced me, even when they promised she never would.. but, luckily, alissa came into my life around the same time so, she lifted me up and we grew to become best friends. I love her. She's made my life a lot better since everything has come crashing down. so, have an actual loyal, loving, trustworthy, and amazing best friend: check. after all of this fell in line and suddenly my mentality changed a bit. I guess you could say I grew confidence, and I heard that was attractive so I suppose that's where all the guys lined up at my feet came from (definitely an exaggeration lol). I never threw myself at any guys or anything, never promised sex or nudes or anything like that.. they just came my way and I let it happen and they all ran their course and have ended so. Yeah.. but anyway. Confidence sort of boosted my personality to having more people at school talk to me, the popular girls even inviting me into their conversations or Alex Purdy sitting with me, messing with my laptop with his feet #ew, and genuinely asking me what I wanted to do with my career because he remembered from senior night.. I know right.. I was blown away too. My social status became more than nothing and suddenly people knew who I was. I had a lot of underclassmen add me on snapchat, Mr. Obrien's daughter telling me happy birthday and that she thought I was gorgeous was my favorite out of that. I've been told I am a role model. Kyle, our fine arts production director, cried over parents telling him at the play how impressed they were with me and how they find me inspiration for their kids. He hugged me afterwards and we both broke down in sobs. It was great, his validation means everything to me. 

So you see, it all kind of just blossomed, and I've been told I'm better, better as a person, student, friend, and potential girlfriend but I guess no one will stick around long enough to truly find out about that one. It's nice, I feel good, I feel like I've got a lot to keep me going, I feel like I matter I little bit more than I did before. 

I don't know if that's the answer you were looking for but I guess it's the one you're gonna get. 

As for you.. I'm sorry you're depressed. Kind of blunt but.. yeah. Just find what makes you happy or what used to and think of all the good that comes out of things like that.. and hopefully you'll be on the right track. Or don't, I don't know. 

I saw you grew your hair out. Funny how I always liked it long and had asked you to grow it out but you insisted to always cut it short because it looked "clean".. but now we're broken up and now you do what I ask. it's okay though, it looks good on you. I know because I saw you in Walmart the other day, not sure if you had noticed me but I hid the second I realized it was you. Then carried on with my shopping for a storage thing to go over my toilet, oh btw, I moved downstairs. I moved my bed all by myself, I was sweating balls afterwards.

and.. I guess I'll return the kind gesture and say that I hope you're able to find someone good for you too. Maybe don't shout "Bowling!" to the next girl interested in you? Though, maybe someone will think it's charming how dorky that sounds. Some girl will come into your life and make you fall in love all over again and show you that you are a good boyfriend to a girl worthy of it. You just have to wait for it.. don't worry, I'm doing it too now and it sucks, but we'll find our persons eventually.. as impatient as I might be.. it'll be okay. 

I may or may not have cried earlier tonight and my eyes and head are killing me, so I'm going to go lie down for the night and that concludes this.. chapter I guess. 

_____

I have something of yours for you by the way.. I've meant to give it to you for a while but haven't had the balls to reach out to you about it. but now. I don't really see why not. Hopefully you'll see this before you go back to college for break, but if you could come get it that would be great. if not.. I guess that's okay too, I'll just throw it out or something.

anyway, goodnight.