one day i began to think

what happened in july

i guess i figured it out.

guilt.

just all of this.. guilt..

i've felt so guilty over the way my last relationship ended. i say i'm over it, i say how i'm probably just better off now.. but something about it just still haunts me. I've been absorbed in it recently, like I can't just shake it off. it wasn't until last week where it began to click for me.. and the more I thought of it.. the more it made sense and I came to my conclusion: guilt.

Last week, my newly found best friend and her boyfriend began to bicker while we were at dinner together. It got really awkward to the point where other people in the restaurant were looking at us. I just tried my best to avoid it and let them do their thing and not try to get involved because I didn't want either of them to lash out on me for putting myself into their business.. but it got to a point where she ran off to the bathroom and my spidey senses turned on and I followed in after her. She came out of the stall and when I asked her if she were okay she was obviously distraught and in her voice I could hear the pain of her trying to hold it back. So I asked her if she wanted a hug and then the door was open. She immediately bursted into tears as I embraced her and stroked her hair and back. She told me how what he was saying only to hurt her was tearing her down pretty baad, and how embarrassing it was for her to have to either sit there or fight back in a public place. I felt for her, and all I wanted to do was get her into a happier mood and enjoy her night, not have to think about all of this. So when we went back out there is was a little tense.. but eventually I watched as they came to a calm understanding. Her boyfriend then turned to me and apologized, I told him it was fine just to chill out for now and figure it out later if they have to.. somewhere more private than right in front of me and a few other families trying to enjoy their steak dinners. 

The night came to an end, and we all were going to part our ways but before we could.. they started fighting again. It was just them this time.. more private.. but I was upstairs and could still hear everything. She was my ride.. I didn't have much choice but to sit on the steps and pet the dog while I waited for the arguing to stop. He again was hitting her with hurtful comments and petty things just to have the upper hand in the fight. She would argue back emotionally, and told him not to speak to her that way. He didn't really listened and told her that she's been too emotional lately. She.. obviously.. took offense to that. It became silent.. and then all I heard was her coming up the stairs. Usually her boyfriend would say goodbye to her at the door.. he didn't this time. 

We got into her car and I pretty much just told her that she could talk about it if she wanted to. She didn't hesitate. She went on to tell me that for the last couple of weeks she's been super.. off. Just anxious, and stressed, and emotional. And she could tell she was blowing up on her boyfriend a lot for stupid things and taking a lot of how she felt out on him. Sometimes he'd initiate a fight so it wasn't all on her.. but other times she'd just blow up and then they'd begin fighting. And she said that whenever they fight.. he says stuff to hurt her just to be "winning" the fight, just to say it out of his anger with her. Then they wouldn't get anywhere in their fight and just.. let it get awkward. Then later they would just pretend nothing happened if they didn't need to talk about it.. but that would just make the next fight worse. 

I told her that it's on both of them. And they both need to see where each other were coming from. That yes, he needs to be more understanding of rough patch she's going through right now instead of telling her she's being too much or too emotional, as her boyfriend he needs to be her rock right now because that's all she needs. And he has NO reason or right to say hurtful petty comments to her just because he's angry. But.. that doesn't mean she can just use him as her punching bag when she doesn't feel okay, so she needs to know when to control her temper and express in a healthier way that what she really wants is comfort..