19: Too Damaged?

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"You alright?"

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"You alright?"

I jump, glancing over at Nick.

I'm not a jumpy guy but the realization and overload of emotions that spiraled through me had caused me to shut down. After talking with Adonis all my senses went from utter chaos to complete defeat, snuffed out, obliterated.

It's hard talking to my brother about it all because, one, he doesn't know that the night Jojo had died I had allowed dad to take her out, that I had witnessed her final moments and could've stopped it all. And two, he blames himself for how the old man beat me. But I know better, I know Adonis did everything in his power to protect us, me and Jojo, but he could only do so much. The guilt that tries swallowing Adonis is too much to bear so we both try to move past it all.

He had been so insanely quiet on the phone, not used to me breaking down but he promised me the old man wasn't right and that I did nothing to deserve his wrath.

I slump back against the house, my guard down, body limp of life, and head empty, as if all that inner turmoil had conquered me, leaving me desolate. It's also why I didn't hear Nick coming outside.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." He stands there, towering over me, arms crossed over his chest. "Dinner should be ready in thirty. Addie's worried about you. Said you looked rough and I'm seein' that she's right."

I don't say anything and opt for staring out into the darkness. My eyes have adjusted to it and as I just sit, dealing with the after-effects. The soft whispers of the wind are interrupted by Nick's heavy sigh.

"She better get back soon. Ridin' in the dark is dangerous." The boards of the porch whine as Nick sits down next to me. "Crazy you didn't hear me coming. I'm told I'm like a bull on a rampage whenever I move around. Drove Quinn nuts when I lived here."

My arm is propped up on my knee as my other leg remains stretched out. "Never thought I'd meet someone as big as me."

"Believe it or not, I used to be a chubby fat kid in high school." Nick barks out. "Was a real lady's man."

"No kidding?!" I ask.

He picks up a pebble and flicks it out into the grass. "Yep, well, yeah to the fat kid part, no to the ladies man. So what's eatin' you?"

The arm on my knee tenses and my fingers start rubbing together, which is something I do when uncomfortable, probably a tick. Then I start counting the stone pillars around the porch. "I never really understood why my old man only ever hit me when I was a kid. I always chucked it up to Jojo was a girl and Adonis never did anything wrong. Now I know why."

Nick stills, not expecting my honesty but something in me is raw and dying to crawl its way out and I keep going. "I think Addie and I have more in common than I ever did with any of my other siblings."

"Why do you say that?"

My head leans back, hitting the siding and my eyes peer up at the wood ceiling hanging over the porch with its soft lighting illuminating the house. "I think we both have the same disorder."

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