Her

40

PHOENIX

Knock-knock-knock. Knock. Knock-knock-

"Phoenix?"

I turn around. Aza stares at me, carrying a bag of groceries.

"What's wrong?" she asks, voice as serious as face.

I try to speak, try to find the right words, but no words come out of my mouth. She touches my arm, saying something about how cold it is or how cold I am, I'm not sure. She takes my hand and takes me inside. She tells me to sit down, helps me sit down, asks me if there's something she can get me.

"Can you sit with me?"

"Of course."

She sits down next to me, close. I move closer. She puts her arms around me, holds me. I lean into her, close my eyes, stop thinking, start feeling safe.

Some time passes.

"Can I tell you a secret?"

She nods.

I tell her what happened, tell her how I feel. I tell her that I liked seeing the baby and his mother, and tell her that I didn't like seeing my mother like that. It's weird, and probably selfish, but until the moment I saw her crying like that, I've never actually realised that I am not the only person who has lost Xander. I'm not the only one who loves him, and I'm not the only one who misses him.

Maybe life is like a puzzle. Maybe every one of us is a piece of a puzzle, and maybe caring for people, loving them, means letting them be a piece of your puzzle, of your life. They complete you. And once they leave, once they're gone, there's a hole. And no one will ever be able to fill that hole except that person because they fit perfectly into that hole. They're made for you. They're part of your puzzle, part of your life. I was a part of Xander's puzzle. And so was my mother. And he was a part of both of our puzzles. Now there are holes, Xander-shaped holes. No one will ever be able to fill them out.

"It was wrong, wasn't it? To leave her alone. I shouldn't have..." I shake my head. "Maybe I should go back."

"Or maybe you should stay," Aza says. "It wasn't the best thing to do. But it's okay, Phoenix."

"No, it was selfish. I was selfish. I was... scared, but I was selfish."

"And she hasn't ever been selfish?"

"But... Just because she's been... I mean -" I stop, think. "I don't want to be a bad person," I say.

"And you're not a bad person."

I look at Aza, stare at her for a moment, falling into chocolate brown eyes.

"Look," Aza says. "I think your mum might need some time alone. You have tomorrow; there's enough time to sort things out. As for now... Just stay here, okay?"

"Okay," I say. "If you don't mind."

"I literally just invited you."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome - literally."

I laugh at her stupid joke, then kiss her cheek. "Thanks," I say again.

"I'll make us some hot chocolate, okay?" She gets ups. "And you..." She grabs a large sweater and holds it out me. "Put this on. It's cold."

"I'm not cold."

"Right, you're hot."

I take the sweater and put it on. It's large - very large -, warm, and comfy.

"Did you steal this from a giant?" I say.

"It's Ky's. Or it used to be."

"So pretty much a giant."

"Pretty much. Didn't steal it though, just borrowed it for... Well, forever."

Aza makes the hot chocolate, while I take the groceries out of the bag, putting them in the fridge and cupboards.

"I guess he'll be happy about me staying over."

"Why? Ky's not the lucky person who gets to cuddle you to sleep."

"He, fortunately, is not," I say, smiling. The shock, the fear, is slowly fading away, being replaced by safeness. "But he's the person who gets to drive my car tomorrow morning."

Aza looks at me. Her smile has disappeared, and a frown has taken its place. "You drove here?" she says.

"No, I hopped on my private plane."

She doesn't smile.

"Aza, I always take my car to get to you," I say, confusion filling my voice.

"But you shouldn't, when you're upset," she says, slight anger filling her voice. "I don't want you to drive when you're upset."

"I wasn't upset. I was..." I try to think of the right word. I shrug.

"Well, I don't want you to..." She shakes her head. She steps closer. Her face takes a softer expression and so does her voice. "Just don't drive when you're not feeling well, okay?"

I look at Aza. I remember her parents, who died in a car crash. I remember Xander, who died being hit by a car. I nod. "Okay," I say.

We put on some music and get on Aza's bed, taking the mugs with hot chocolate with us. We cuddle. She runs her hand through my hair, gently, and kisses me.

"You okay?" she asks.

I look at her. "I am now," I say. I give her a smile, then a kiss, and then lean back onto her. She goes back to playing with my hair. My eyes fall on Aza's wall with photographs. Somewhere between the many pictures I see a photo of myself, smiling widely at the zoo.

"Why are you smiling, princess?"

"You have a picture of me on your wall."

"Pictures you mean."

"There are several?"

I look at her. She looks at me.

She shrugs. "You're my girlfriend," she says, and I see as well as hear her smiling. I can tell she likes being able to call me that. I do too.

"Thought Cass was your girlfriend?"

"I have several."

"Right."

"But you're my favourite."

"Thanks."

"You're the only one who gets to sleep in my bed. Apart from Cass, I guess. She's allowed to, but she has her own bed pretty much next door, so..."

"So I get to have you all to myself."

"I don't know know if that's cute or creepy."

"Cute," I say.

"Cute," Aza says.

"By the way, I forgot my toothbrush."

"Then I guess," she says, "you are now the only one who gets to have their own toothbrush at my place."

Aza gives me a pink toothbrush. It ends up in a cup, alongside Aza's green toothbrush.