There are people in the world who don't understand themselves, like me but that doesn't mean they lack knowledge.
Daris had quoted that going from friends to lovers is easy, one person has to take a step forward but he didn't mention how long one contemplates to take that one step. How does he know he has to take a step further?
Friends and lovers, two different relations and two different feelings. The depth of both relations is different. A single line between friendship and lovers and if that line is crossed there might be no turning back.
And what if the other one doesn't feel the same? What if the friendship is broken? That one step means to take a lot of steps back.
The worries were endless and they were devouring me. I had taken days to realise and to accept that I had really loved Ly. Days that I was supposed to use for studying and practice purposes. I had used them for a totally different reason but I haven't regretted it.
In this journey of realisation and acceptance I found out that whatever I had said and however I thought, I indeed was tiny bit jealous of Owen and this reason justified the way I felt when Ly left my hand to go towards Owen.
Maybe ‘jealous’ was what I felt on the day of the match as well seeing Ly and Owen together. I had disregarded the uneasiness as my nervousness that day but now it made sense. Whether I hugged Ly out of happiness or out of habit or because of newfounded jealousy, it was still a question for me.
Whenever Ly and I hung out together during these holidays I always thought about it. Can I let Ly go without feeling hurt in the process? For these past years, we both have been stuck by each other through thick and thin. We have shared good or bad news, jokes and pranks. She had been my first priority for everything. I never thought about it because she was always beside me but the thought of her leaving me forever was agonizing.
Owen was her crush and I knew it but I never thought about her crush having the same feelings as her. Ly was not my prized possession or a trophy I would like to keep myself. She was the one person I want to make the happiest. Her smile mattered to me the most and her tears, her pain stabbed and twisted a knife to my heart.
I was never a violent guy but if someone would hurt Ly I might resort to it. I never noticed how my heart beat around her but I have always felt calm. Like sitting by a window, holding a warm cup of coffee, wrapped in warmth and watching the raindrops hit the glass. Ly was never affected by my smooth talks and I liked that in her. If she would have been affected I might have stopped till now.
I knew about it. About these things I felt for Ly but I never knew it was ‘love’. I always thought we were platonic and at some stage we might have been although how and when it changed was a mystery. Mystery I was not going to solve because it may not be the way I thought. We might have never been platonic but just idiots.
A life without Ly was like pain inflicting on myself. Was I selfish? Did I just want her for my own happiness? For my own non-painful life? But if she was happy even though I smiled at her through my pain, it was happiness for me.
Love is selfless but selfish. I loved her for both her and me. For her to stay happy and for me to stay the same. But there was no point in being happy if Ly wasn’t happy. How could I stay happy if she wasn’t even when she was with me?
Realisations make things complicated. I loved Ly. My best friend of nine years. How, when and why were not my concerns anymore. I loved her. I loved her smile and her personality and I wished for her to stay the same forever whether it was by my side or someone else’s.
What is love? What is love apart from being a feeling? Love is finding a home in other person. A home where you can go and a home where you can stay at!
A home where you can drop the barriers.
And morever...
Isn’t love this? To be comfortable around someone. To be able to be you…
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