Learning How to Bend

December 19

//DECEMBER 31: I was just rereading this, and for some reason...Lily's recounting below posted three times from Microsoft Word. I FIXED IT. Nothing else new, just messed with things. ;)
//Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for...

I had no idea how long we lied there, but I suppose it did not matter.  I thought I felt Thaddeus's breath slowing in sleep, but my suspicions went unconfirmed. In fact, they were proven completely incorrect, for he moved his hand and started drawing circles on my bare shoulder with his pointer finger. I had on a pair of soft shorts and a tank top, and Thaddeus was in a pair of his cloth sweatpants and a loose cotton t-shirt with a conservative v. Feeling his finger rotating against my skin felt...right.  Safe.  Like his very presence would help me build up protective walls in my nightmares from the demon man, even though I know he could not even figuratively enter my dreams.  He brought me peace; even if it were only just fantasizing, I was going to hold tight to the feeling of security and never let go. At least that was what I was telling myself now; I may not be quite so cognizant and level-headed during my next nightmare.

When Thaddeus's lips suddenly pressed against my shoulder, I jumped a little as my breath caught in my throat.  His hand shifted from my shoulder, to my abdomen, then up to my neck with his thumb on my cheek.  A smile came unbidden to my lips, and it was still present when he gently kissed me and rested his forehead against mine.  Never in a million years did I ever think the word "gentle" could have described him, but that kiss was not a forceful one.  It was tender, like he did not want to hurt me or push me any more than he already did.  It was not a bad form of pushing by any means.  He encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone, and I appreciated that more than words could express.  I was becoming a bigger and better person because of him.

As he moved away, I immediately wanted him to move back, but he did not.  Instead, he put a hand on my cheek and rubbed my skin with his thumb.  I offered him a smile, which I hoped he returned but obviously could not know if he did.  Although I could not see him, I could tell there was something on his mind past my nightmares.  It might sound peculiar, but the pattern and pressure of his thumb moving on my cheek varied depending on his mood and intention.  He seemed worried and distracted, and I wanted to help him clear his mind.  Taking his hand in both of mine, I kissed his knuckles.

"You're thinking of something," I murmured.

"Yes.  When am I not thinking?"

He had a point.

Pulling his hand away from mine, he trailed it along my skin until it touched the front of my shoulder.  The front of my shoulder where my skin was disfigured.  The front of my shoulder about which I knew he was eventually going to ask, but I did not want to face the answer.  He had definitely seen the scar, probably the one on my back, too. He was not even technically asking me right now, even if he did want to know.  He was not speaking because he wanted to give me a way out if I so desired it.

"You want to know what happened." My voice quivered.

"Yes, but only if you want to tell me."

I nodded, taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly.  I put some distance between my body and his, sitting up so my back was against the headboard.  I did not want to do this.  I did not want to relive the memories, because I knew exactly what would happen if I did.  I had worked for a counselor for four months after the incident to get my anxiety and panicky tendencies under control.  Which both were, at this point, but therapy could not stop the nightmares.  Could not control what abysses of my mind I visited when I went to sleep.  I swallowed.

"I don't want to." I paused and looked in his general direction. "But I need to.  You deserve to know."

Thaddeus moved up to sit next to me and took my hand in his.  He said nothing, just encouraged me continue with a gentle squeeze.