𝑀𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑝𝑠𝑖𝑠 ~ 𝓙𝓲𝓴𝓸𝓸𝓴

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‘I am afraid’

Jeongguk's fear was that someone end up seeing his face, and he couldn't know when that morphed onto someone stealing Jimin away from him. It scared him more than someone seeing him, more than all his blatant crippling insecurities.

He became more possessive, more obsessed, more drawn to Jimin in more ways than he knew existed. His love grew everyday and there was no way he could stop his heart from wavering like fluttering dust every time his eyes lock onto those of Jimin's almond ones.

Jeongguk got used to Jimin's flowery voice and scent, his soft voice and his soft whispers, his soft touches that left his heart racing in his ribcage. There was no doubt he'd do anything to keep him close.

Jeongguk didn't know when it started or how it did, but he knew he couldn't live in a world where Jimin didn't exist. That couldn't stop nevertheless the fear in his heart, fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of the beatiful dream shattering, fear of all his fears.

‘I am shattered’

Jeongguk was deep in thoughts as he walked through his flower garden, when he saw what he wished he had never seen. Taehyung was kissing Jimin, and then he just stared him in the eyes for a good ten seconds, before he muttered a soft ‘I love you’.

‘I’m so afraid
That you will leave me again in the end’

Jeongguk didn't know what to think, what to feel, what to guess. Did Jimin love Taehyung all along? But why was he then so soft and nice and wonderful? Why did he hug him like he meant everything in the world to him? Why did he give him the slightlest bit of hope that he was something special to him?

Jeongguk cried hard that night, very hard his lungs forgot how to breath, his mind forgot how to think, his senses forgot how to feel. He cried the hardest he did in his entire life, because he knew that he had lost him, that he couldn't have him but that he couldn't move on from him all the same. It was for the least shattering.

It shattered everything he knew about himself, everything he knew about the world. It hurt more than his father's blows, than his step-mothers harsh words, it stung more than all the lies he've seen, all the wrong rumors about him that he have ever heard.

Jeongguk cried himsef to sleep, not that he got any sleep at all, save for some few minutes when his eyes closed from tired tears, where he couldn't keep his head up so he let it fall on the mattress with a small waver of pain.

‘Once again I put on a mask and go to see you.’

It was the day after that Jeongguk forgot the way it feels to feel something. He became numb to it all, and even when Jimin smiled that amazing smile of his, that usually gave hims somersaults, he didn't feel a thing.

Even when Jimin tried to make him feel better, it all didnt feel like trying at all, didn't feel like anything was happening at all. Jeongguk didn't think he could live without Jimin, but he couldn't feel anything all the same.

He lost the last few things that attached him to life. He was dead from the inside, in the body of an alive man. You didn't need to know him to know how broken he was, how shattered from the inside he was, how dead the gleam in his eyes had been, how pointless everything seemed to him.

It was maybe bound to happen, that Jimin would stop trying, would stop attempting his best to get Jeongguk's attention. The latter was so broken he didn't notice Jimin was suffering too, didn't notice the way his eyes were more red than not most the time, the way he cried alone because he simply thought Jeongguk didn't love him anymore.

It took them maybe a couple of weeks with complete silence, where the two didn't even speak at all. Taehyung still came, all happy and light and endearing but none of them was in a mental state good enough to notice it. Jimin still smiled in Jeongguk's face, still caressed his hair like his hands would die off if they weren't on his soft locks.

It all stopped though, when Jeongguk told Jimin to get away because his presence made him sick. Jimin didn't say a word, just stared at Jeongguk with tears in his eyes. He didn't know since when his sole presence had began to hurt Jeongguk. But it broke his heart more than he liked to admit. He still didn't, no couldn't, and wouldn't want to hurt him, even when his heart was shattering to a thousand pieces.

Jimin in the beginning, was afraid to leave Jeongguk on his own. He was afraid of the demons inside his head, the ways he could hurt himself for he knew how much broken in the inside he was. But despite his best trials, Jeongguk still regarded him like he was the reason of his pain, and Jimin at some point of time, just couldn't do it anymore.

Jimin stopped showing up, he left just as Jeongguk had demanded but why did it hurt so much? The castle without him was empty, like a tomb of masks, like a cemetery of the living, like an old house of ghosts. It was so cold, so freezing, so empty, so hurtful to stay at. It lost all light and was filled with darkness.

Next thing he knew, from a servant nevertheless, Taehyung was leaving with his family from Great Kingdom of France, house of all his masquerade balls, to that of Norway, looking for a better life, the servant said. Because here, they were stricken with poverty. But Jeongguk heard it as if, Taehyung left because he was a burden on him so they couldn't stay where he was anymore.

Jeongguk was holding a glass of wine, he couldn't stay sober anymore. It made the memories rush back to his mind, made him cry all over again, shatter all over again, die inside all over again, and the misery was endless. But the moment the servant opened his mouth, he let the glass shatter in the ground, like the small pieces of his heart, irreversible.

Jimin was leaving with him too.

21.07.19