𝑀𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑝𝑠𝑖𝑠 ~ 𝓙𝓲𝓴𝓸𝓸𝓴

(十一)

‘Maybe back then’

Jimin was sitting in his cabin, starboard of the ship, Taehyung being in the cabin that faced him, on the port side. Taehyung was melancholic, for Jimin didn't say he liked him back, and Taehyung knew deep down the reason but he still refused to see it.

Taehyung knew Jimin's heart belonged to Jeongguk, but if that was so, then why was he leaving with him to Norway? Why didn't he stay with Jeongguk if he loved him? His actions and his words didn't add up, didn't make sense to him at all.

Jimin could sense his sadness, in the small ways with which he looked at him, in the small differences in the way he spoke, in the ways he behaved himself, the ways in which he avoided to speak about Jeongguk because Jimin sensed it made him jealous.

Jimin cared so much about his friend, but it wasn't romantic at all, not even in the slightest. He sensed it long ago, when Taehyung's behaviors was getting more and more devious, more and more further away from normal.

Jimin could see it was love, somehow Taehyung's fascination with how Jimin treated him like he was worth it made him fall for him. Jimin didn't look down on him for being different, for having the most noticable ocean eyes and sunrays blonde hair.

It was the same Jimin would do for anyone else, but he was his friend, he knew him well, well enough to know when it became a bit more than friendship, but he wasn't going to do anything about it.

‘Just a little
Just this much’

Jimin's mind drifted to think of Jeongguk, was his baby okay? Was he eating well? Was he sleeping well? Jimin wished he was there to take care of him, even after all the ways he changed towards him, even after he acted like he didn't want him at all.

But that was the point, that Jimin could see right through it for what it was, a mere act because for some reason, Jeongguk wanted him to get away from him. Jimin could sense he loved him, from the languid ways he stared at him from behind closed doors, from behind his wine glass and all the stolen glances he did quiet too often.

He'd tell him he was sick of him one second then stare at him like he meant the entire world to him the next second. Jimin didn't know what he did to deserve such treatment from Jeongguk.

So Jimin waited patiently for it to be over, for Jeongguk to treat him well again. But it never happened, and he got tired of waiting but he still was patient with Jeongguk.

Jimin didn't even once raise his voice back at him. He didn't even fight him back even after Jeongguk would say such hurtful words. Jimin wouldn't even say them back to him because despite everything, he didn't want to hurt Jeongguk.

Jimin knew that Jeongguk's self-loathing drove him to want to push Jimin away. Jimin didn't knew the reason but he knew for sure that one existed. That was how humans dealt with pain, desperately, aimlessly.

It was hard to deal with it, Jimin knew, and maybe it didn't give Jeongguk the right to hurt him, but he let him, because he loved him, how dumb of him. Jimin didn't know how could Jeongguk not see that Jimin loved him even after everything.

Jimin would've almost thought that Jeongguk had maybe seen it when Taehyung had so suddenly kissed him, right before he confessed, but that was so foolish. Would Jeongguk really not say anything even after seeing such a shocking thing?

Jimin still wished he was in Jeongguk's arms, wished he could see his angelic face as he sang him to sleep, as he made sure he was okay. But he knew he couldn't, and it hurt him in more ways he thought was possible, in more ways he thought existed, in more ways Jeongguk's words had ever done.

‘If I had the courage to stand before you
Would everything be different now?’

Thinking back on it, Jimin said he loved Jeongguk to him more than once, and Jeongguk said it back. But something inside of him told him the message has not registered in Jeongguk's brain, that he still needed to hear it from him because his insecurities reached the skyline, and he needed reassurance.

Jimin felt it in his heart, that Jeongguk was not okay with him leaving at all, even when he practically had told him to leave. Jimin felt that Jeongguk was suffering just like him, and he wished he could come back and hug him and forget about everything that had ever happened.

Jimin wished he could've done it differently, ended it differently, that somehow he could've left Jeongguk in a better state. He did already all he could but it wasn't enough, for Jeongguk was in pain and he could feel it in his heart. But it was too late for such corrections or hopes.

“Jimin!” Taehyung's voice cut in the middle of his thoughts, and Jimin's eyes drifted to stare at Taehyung with a questioning glance.

“Yeah, tae?” Jimin muttered, and Taehyung's expression seemed severe, his eyebrows squinting and Jimin felt that it was something so horrible. It sucked all the color from his face.

“Don't you hear all the noise upstairs? All the man screaming 'Abandon Ship'? I think we're drowning. We gotta leave now.” Taehyung said urgently, like there was no time. But it was Jimin's mission to protect him, not the other way around. How unlucky must they be to be onboard a ship that was destined to drown?

“Oh my god! Yes, let's leave.” Jimin run with Taehyung to the main deck, where they were throwing small boats of rescue, but it was obvious, there wasn't much of them. Jimin already knew but he went with Taehyung anyways. Jimin already knew they would drown, he just didn't think it would be that soon.

“Sorry, all the seats are taken, there's no more boats. I'm really sorry.” The last sailor onboard muttered before jumping on the last boat available, leaving lacerated passengers in absolute chaos, not knowing what to do at all. .

They were so late, but they were already aware, upper class would be the first to be on board of rescue boats. Last class be damned, no one cared about them.

“Are you crazy? You'll just leave us here to die!” Taehyung yelled, his scream lost in the night sky, the ship's list was already so extreme the ground was crumbling underneath their feet.

There was no use screaming, for no reply had been heard.

26.07.19