Lisa
The days had passed and I was alone. Joohyun wants to go here but I said I'm busy. We're still talking to each others through phone. I want our relationship to worked out that's why I'm doing this. Wendy amd Seulgi is right I need to heal myself first before I commit myself to Joohyun. It would be unfair for her if I let her settle to me when I'm still not okay.
It doesn't mean that my feelings for my past is slowly fading away I'm already okay. I just realized it recently I'm still broken. I'm not fully moved on yet. I'm still wounded from the past.
I really should fully heal myself, not for Jennie, not for Blackpink and not for Joohyun but for myself.
Honestly it's easy to say everything I'm saying now about moving and healing myself but in reality I don't know what should I do.
I don't know where to start. I don't even know if I can.
I make myself work hard to make me busy. I don't even eat on time. I usually sleep late at night. I even get drank on my own just to make me sleep.
Even how tired I am once I lay on my bed I can't sleep there are many things running through my head.
I am weak.
Jisoo and chaeng are mad at me.
I'm fucked up.
I hurted Jennie.
I'm using Joohyun.
I'm stupid.
What if I didn't let go Jennie?
What if I didn't join the Baes?
What if I didn't go to daegu?
What if me and jennie stayed as friends before?
What if I will never be deserving for Joohyun?
What if my feelings for Jennie didn't fade away?
What if Jennie fight for us?
What if Joohyun get tired for waiting?
What if I don't deserve anyone?
What if I deserved to be alone?
No one deserves me I'm just going to hurt them in the end.
I hold my head because it's hurting really bad.
I can't stop myself from non stop thinking.
I can't even sleep properly. I feel like I'm just closing my eyes for hours.
I don't have anybody to talked about becaue they're right I should have fix this alone. I shouldn't bother someome just because I'm messed up.
I made this problem so I need to be brave amd face it alone. I don't have a choice but do this battle alone.
. The editor sent me a copy of my new lilifilm #5 I promised to Joohyun that I will let her see it first. As soon as I sent it she texted me.
From Joohyun 🐰💜:
Wow! Baby! You look great! Every move you make is very perfect. You're so fucking hot 🤤 I got envy to the girl you pulled towards your face but I suddenly remember we did more than that! Hahaha! I miss you baby, please take care always. I hope to see you soon 💛
I smiled from her message and I sent her my thankyou. I'm glad she appreciated it.
After many hours of waiting my team uploaded it to my youtube channel. It went viral so fast I didn't even promoted it before. I post it to my IG story. A lot of fans, family and friends sending me a message about it. They said that I'm so amazing.
