My first times

My first time drinking blood

2014. March 6.

I sat at the table. On it there was a glass full of red liquid.
- You must. - he said calmly, I shook my head, almost crying.
- It's not fair. - I whispered.
- Yeah, I know honey. Life sometimes is not fair, neither death. But this keeps you living, you can't toss a new chance away from yourself.
- Because it would be suicide? - I raised my eyebrow.
   This wasn't our first conversation about the topic. When you died once, it's hard to belive killing yourself is a sin. Does it matter when you're not even among the living? With every sip of a glass of blood I cheat death. I cheat, and I always hated the thought of becoming a thief. I take away other people's life by little gulps. But who cares? People die. I died. But the not fading pain in my chest... For me the previous seems worse than the first one. The only reason I didn't care to try is that I owe Priest Joseph my existence.
   Then he surprised me with a story of a young boy.
- He was even younger than you when he died. - he explained. I think it's better if I try to quote him. It's easier than using my own words... - By vampires. This little boy was into dancing as well, had friends and loved ones. But no one really knew about the hidden truth concerning his homocide except his best friend. I think he never accepted what happened, he still believes vampires were a made-up story his childhood friend told him. What do you think, this kid who lost his best friend would be happy to see his mate again, even as a vampire? Would it matter for him? 
- I guess not...
- Precisely. There's nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.
   He wanted to ask what would I say if my parents survived, or turned into vampires. Of course, he didn't mention them, but that made me think about myself.
   Now I am able to see things in a different angle a little bit. I asked for the name of this boy, it's Elias. from now on I'll dedicate my diary to his memory, and maybe he will remind me not to forget some people don't have a choice and if I do, I have to take it. At least try.
   I drank out my glass.
So that's an achievement and a first.  Two month passed. Two freaking months! And I managed with only drinking when I felt the urge growing inside me, taking over my body to satisfy my only desire. I couldn't control it. But I have to get used to it and this. This was my first step. I have a better mood today, even though I can't get Elias out of my head. Like his ghost guns for me.
- Did you learn about vampires because of Elias? - I asked him a few minutes later.
- I've met lot of victims of vampires, they had loads of questions nobody asked or had answers for. Definately working with these people was kind of challenging but - he stopped and looked into my eyes, like the rest of his sentence is going to be super important -   through the job I undertook, got me closer to God. Sounds ridicoulus but you can learn more by questions and finding the answers yourself, on your own path than by other's statements.
   Then he added something which stuck in my head, too. To be what I am is harder than to lose someone by my kind.
   He admitted that he now finally understands why usually vampires' behaviour are so animalistic. The way he spoke about it, there was no judgement, he only seemed glad, he could see the opposite side of this disaster where there's no help, but pain and the urge to harm others. Some can't resist. I hope I will never be part of them.