My first times

My first song

  2014. April 11.

   Ballett was my ultimate dream, and still is. I could never give up on it, but it connects me in so many ways to my previous 5 years that it always strengthens the pain and brings up memories from the ballett school in Vien. I'm not only thinking about how much my classmates developed by now, how insignificant I could be to them - however I can't look up my facebook page to avoid realising I'm dead for the real world - but I'm thinking about the performances when mommy always came to see me. Those were my big days.
   Dancing became a rather painful and compulsory thing since I don't want to fall back  or retrogade. Somehow my dreams are above anything else, death or life. Dance became my religion or I experience it through dancing. As it always accured to me that ballett was the closest to perfection, but since I started to play on organ, music is on the same level.         Slowly I learn that every  little movement, noise which was made by humans are almost perfect. We're almost perfect and just as valuable as we are. Everyrhing in the world reflects us, and we are a mirror of them.
   Movies and tv shows aren't different at all. They show me that nobody is as miserable as I am. The only thing left are my dreams of course beyond my reach.

So far - Priest Joseph always says.

Then I tried with the silly videos, maybe watching them will shut down my brain but I am too tired to laugh. I only want to sleep, and disappear in the darkness.

Nightmares never let me sleep well.

I needed something which was entirely different from the 16 years I was alive. So I took up organ lessons. Priest Joseph taught me when the church was empty and silent.
   I've never liked music as much as dancing. Whenever I heard a song I felt the steps in my bones, made me intolerant and fidgety. But playing music showed me what it really is.
The organ was a mistery to me but the best solution ever. I had to focus with my everything to be capable of learning. Time flew without noticing, and more importantly remembering. Music became shelter, nevertheless there was something else that I got drawned to after a while.
   The deep silence right after I played the organ. So intense you could hear your own heartbeat, extend your universe and finally I felt the closest to peace at those times, to that almost perfecfion. I spent practising hours and hours, enjoying myself, which was once in a blue moon, really. And once just after practising, I met with a middle aged man who was wandering around and heard me play. I chatted up with him, meanwhile I was filled with excitement and fear. He was the first whom I spoke to. The first human, I mean, because Priest Joseph doen't count. Music is my bridge back to life, and dancing is my engine that makes sure, I'm still going to have a goal here.
So...it's been a while.  One month actually, and I am able to play a whole song!