My first times

Notes on a bus

2018. June 2.

I'm sitting on a bus with my brother. His head is constantly bumping to the bus' window. His shirt is dirty, his blood was shed but I think his skin already healed itself.  In his sleep he truly looks like the devil with angelic cast of features.

My diary is at Nora's apartment, and yet I have to get things organised. Even at this point where everything turned into chaos and where I can't see my or his or our (if that's something) future.
Maybe if I write down what happened will make me understand where to begin.

This was the day of our date. Now it's something else. I was up quite early, and didn't know what to do with myself. The excitement that I can see him again, the fear that our relationship will never recover from my mistakes made me really awake but unable to concentrate to literally anything.

I spent nearly 3 hours figuring out what to wear and obviously needed Nora's help with that too. Finally we chose a  fluffy, yellowish summerdress with a pair of sandals. I let my hair cover my shoulders and let the breeze play with my curls.

I felt myself beautiful. Not just the dress but in weeks I haven't looked this bright, this lively. Nora hugged me and wished me good luck before I headed to the subway.

We supposed to meet at Blaha Lujza square because it was close to both of us and we had our favourite restaurant near by. We've never been there together, so we thought it would be a great place for a new start.

As I walked up on the staires and saw the busy streets I got goosebumps. I still had plenty of time on my hands to kill, because I coulnd't really stay at home wainting. I thought with dwelling on everything that could go wrong and end up breaking up again, the time would pass without  naturally unnoticed.

But I didn't really had time for anything.

As I causally crossed the road, I was tapped on the shoulder. I heard his laugh before I saw his angelic face with the devish features and a maniac smile so similar to mine from a few weeks ago.

- Gotcha! - he said.

My instincts didn't betray me. My legs although the trembling started to move fast. My arms rived his hands off of my wrist. He laughed.

- Run, but there's nothing you could do. They sold you to the devil. You are already mine. Did you forget?

I didn't know where I'm running, my mind was startled and the fear took over. I was too scared to look back but I felt that he was close. Too close.
When he reached me, he grabbed my hair and pulled on it. I couldn't do anything else but scream. I fall back, hit my waist pretty bad. I screamed like a child, shouted for help. This area was strangely extinct. I could feel  the glancing out of the building's windows not giving a shit about if I live or die.

He sent me to grass, and sit on my hips. I was too aware of this situation, and too aware of the pain that was awainting. He put his hands on my lips to make me shut up.

I thought days ago that Kazimier wanted to meet up with me counted as a miracle but in fact when I heard his cranky voice I thanked God, and at the same time I was cursing. My brother would hurt him, or worse, kill him because of his interruption.

-Hannah? - he looked around and his shock as he found us with his gaze was undescribable. Is this my luck that he found me lurking on the streets or rather am I facing a tragedy right now? 

- You came for trouble, boy? Better off you go before I finish you too. - he murmured.

- Don't you dare to hurt her! - Kaz shouted.

That was a mistake. My brother stood up slowly. I could run away but wouldn't have left Kazimier alone after all he went through for me, but then suddenly a third voice as cold as a stone stopped every movement:
- Move aside. Now!

Max stepped out of the shadows and a dozen of his men joined him. Each of them held crossbows pointing to my brother. Just as a I suspected. He really didn't trust me on this, but regardlessly at first I was releaved that Kazimier and I were safe. However I imagined how Ákos will be killed. Before my very eyes. My only family left. A story I will never know fully. Unclosed.

- Hannah. Don't. Move. - Max said slowly and menacingly. Like he could read my mind.

And what I did was the exact opposite. I grabbed my brother's hand and without hesitation, or gave any thought of how could saving a psychopath who tried to kill me a minute ago end, I ran. We heard the arrows woosh and begged that none of them will hit us. My will and determination enpowered me to act and nothing could stop us.

I ran through streets, crowds, between cars, anything. To my surprise my brother followed my lead, not once try to let me go.
I finally slowed down at a familiar bus station. I didn't know where the next bus would take us but I acted on my emotions and the thing that I desperately wanted was to be far-far away. Be alone. Be safe.

We were just standing there for minutes, and I didn't look him right in the eyes. But when I did... I couldn't see any emotion in them, like he was just turned off. Like a robot. He stood there, not doing anything. Not saying anything. I got him on the bus, sat where I showed him to, but still I didn't say a word.  Soon he fell asleep. We've been travelling since.
That's my report for today.