Wallflower Ink

Chapter 24

· Merri ·

"Jace told me you had a panic attack last night. Pretty bad one, from what I understand."

Katie's concern is a shadow in her eyes that I try to dismiss. I shrug my shoulders noncommittally and sip my coffee. I really don't want to have this conversation with anyone, and especially not with Katie. It would be grossly unfair of me to burden her knowing she already carries more than her share of weight on her shoulders.

"You know you can talk to me, Merri. I'd be the last person to judge you. Did Jace tell you I used to have them too? I mean, I still do, but they aren't anywhere near as bad as they used to be."

"Yes, he told me."

Katie leans back in her chair, holding an identical coffee shop cup in her hands. She looks at me so long I start to feel uncomfortable. This is not how all of this is supposed to go. She should not be sitting her with me, trying to comfort me. It's all wrong.

"You know, you couldn't have had a better person with you last night. He's an amazing coach. Used to talk me through mine, until I married Kyle. Kyle's almost as good, but there's just something about my brother. He has a gentle soul."

I look away from Katie so she can't read my eyes. I have felt that in Jace, more often than I deserve. That he cares at all about me and how I feel just compounds my guilt, and I don't know how to make him or it stop. I want it to, but I don't want him to.

I sip my coffee again as I watch a barista work at the cappuccino machine.

"Have you ever thought about going to therapy? It's not a cure all, but it helped me and Jace."

I close my eyes and nod my head.

"I've been to many therapists. I've taken a good deal of medications." I finally look back to Katie and offer her a half smile to let her know I do appreciate her concern.

"My anxiety is directly linked to my IQ ... at least, that's what I've been told. And I have done the research on the subject myself. Statistically speaking, I would be an oddity to not suffer from it. It is part of who I am, just as your kind smile is part of you. I was born this way."

Katie smiles at me and it feels like a knife twisting in my chest. I don't deserve her kindness. But I smile back and hope it does not look like the lie that it is.

"Whether or not that's true, it always helps to have someone there to help you. Jace is perfect. And he likes you, which makes it even better."

"I like him too. He's a very good person."

I think about that a moment. I find it curious how I feel about the stranger living in my house that no longer feels like such a stranger. In some ways it feels as if I've known him for years, and that troubles me deeply. No matter how hard I try to push him away, I am drawn right back to him again.

"You know, he talks about you a lot."

"He does?"

Katie nods and leans back toward the table. She sets her cup down and her smile widens. There is a sparkle in her eyes that immediately sets me on edge.

"If you want to know what I think, I think he really likes you."

I just stare at her, not wanting to understand but fearing that I might. I shake my head then lace my fingers together in my lap. I squeeze them tightly until they begin to hurt. And then I squeeze them just a bit tighter.