Wallflower Ink

Chapter 37

· Merri ·

"You sure you still want to do this?" Byron asks as we both climb into his truck.

I shut my door then reach and pull on my seat belt before turning to offer him a smile. It is as false as any I've ever given to anyone, but luckily my brother doesn't seem to notice. No doubt he attributes my sullen mood to what happened with Jace. I'd told him everything, and he had held me as I'd cried my way through it all. But that part of my life is over. Only this remains.

"I'm sure. This is still important, even if Jace won't be there with me."

Byron studies me a long moment before he finally nods his head, starts the engine, and we pull away from my house. On the road and halfway to town, we pass a car that looks very much like Katie's, and my stomach drops as I watch it roll out of sight in the side view mirror.

"It was pretty lucky for you they had a couple cancellations at the last minute. Usually they're booked up for months."

"It's also fortunate for me my big brother knows people in high places." I wink at him and as he laughs, I watch some of the tension melt out of his shoulders.

That is good. The last thing I need is for him to worry about me jumping alone. I won't truly be alone though, as I will be jumping tandem with a certified instructor, but it is as alone as I can possibly get. I don't want my brother to do the chivalrous thing and offer to go with me, because I don't think I can do what I plan if he is there to witness it firsthand.

Dealing with the aftermath will be hard enough.

I feel guilty about that but I am tired, too tired to care anymore. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Not for my father. Not for Joey and his brothers. And, in the end, not even for Jace and Katie. It had all been in vain, a botched scheme to help that had only ended in hurting them both. I can't imagine living a life with that much more guilt being the only thing I have to wake up to each and every morning.

I think about the list, and all the things left unaccomplished on it, but I feel that Joey would probably forgive me for that. We'd understood one another better than anyone else had, because although he was gifted and I am not, our personalities had been very much the same. It had been as if we'd been siblings in many ways, sharing the same odd quirks and genetic traits. Perhaps that was why losing him had hurt me so much, because it had been like losing my own brother.

"You getting nervous?" Byron interrupts my thoughts. I glance over at him and offer a well-practiced smile.

"I am, a bit."

"What were you thinking about?"

I quickly sift through my thoughts to find a lie, one I know he will believe. My smile widens a fraction as I find the perfect one.

"I was just thinking about the last time I jumped from somewhere high. I was seven."

He thinks about that for only a moment before his face splits into a broad grin and the deep timbre of his laughter fills the truck's cab.

"We had no idea you were going to do that, you know. If we'd thought even for a second you were going to try and prove us wrong, we'd have never messed with you in the first place. We didn't know you well enough yet to know how bad an idea it was."

I smile too, and even produce a soft chuckle. At least on the surface they are real.

"Thankfully today I'll be better equipped than I was that day." Had I thought about it then I would have realized how poor a substitute an umbrella was for a parachute.

"Sometimes you've got to just work with what you've got," he says with a grin. "We were pretty short on safe skydiving equipment around our house back then."

"Indeed," I say with a soft smile.

We both fall into a more comfortable silence after that, one which gives me more time to reflect, not that I really want or need that. I think about my father, my foster parents, my foster brothers, the people I'd called my co-workers and friends. My relationships had all changed so much since Jace had come into my life, mostly in how I viewed them all.

Looking back at the realization I'd made about my feelings for him, I can now see that--in my own way--I had also loved them. I just never knew how to assess those feelings until now. Admired. Esteemed. Revered. Valued. Respected. Could all of those words I'd used to describe them not be synonymous with love? They can, and they are.

I glance over at Byron and smile softly to myself. I love him, most likely as much as any sister ever loved a brother. But it isn't enough to keep me here. My life causes tragedy in the lives of those I care about, and I'm not willing to cause more simply because I am too selfish to remove myself from the equation.

"Want to stop for a bite to eat before we get there? We've still got plenty of time."

"Maybe something light won't hurt, though I'd hate to vomit on my instructor midair. He might not take very kindly to that particular gesture."

Byron laughs lightly and shakes his head. "Got it. Someplace where I can get a steak and you can get a salad. I think that shouldn't be too hard to find."

As the miles roll out behind us, our easy silences are occasionally peppered with conversation, but for the most part I content myself with my thoughts. And the one that plagues me most, the one that really causes me any true grief at all, is that I'd not said goodbye to anyone. Just as Jace had not this morning when he'd walked out of my house and out of my life.

That alone would have given me pause to change my mindn... but I have always been stubborn once I've made up my mind. And I refuse to let go of that now.