Shahensha's Begum

CHAPTER EIGHT:BAKSHI'S ANGST

Bakshi Bano P.O.V

I rushed out of the eating room,as the message passed before my eyes and my own voice echoed in my ears.My heart felt as if it were going to run out of my chest as my ears thumped with heavy storms.I begun to run through the corridors,I finally reached my khwaab-gaah,falling on my knees as tears blurred my eyes,falling down my face.

"Bakshi." I heard as arms wrapped around me,holding me close as my cries begun to sound around the khwaab-gaah,"Nahi,meri bachi.Esa nahi rohte." Ammi-jaan's voice soothed my sobs as I latched onto her arms,"Kuch nahi hoga,they are just coming for the wedding.She cannot do anything to you."
(No,my child.Do not cry like this.
Nothing will happen)

I continued to sob in her arms,the last memory that my younger self has of Masuma begum was not one that haunted me but it was of Hafeeza bano,that made me tremble.

It had been months after we had moved to Hajjat Fort,I had been suffering from nightmares of what had happened and a fear of going even near any water,including the water in the hamam-khana.I finally worked up the courage to tell ammi-jaan what had happened that day.

I remember standing at the edge of the lake with Hafeez Khan next to me,we were throwing rocks into the water trying to make it skip,when Hafeeza bano joined us.She stood away from the water,the next thing I knew that Hafeez Khan turned to find some more rocks and I felt a hand on my back,a slight push and I fell into the water.The cold water enveloped me as I tried pushing against it,the weight of my clothes not allowing me to and then being pulled out of the water.

It had taken me months after that to bath in the hamam-khana then followed by mamu-jaan taking me to the nearby lake to help me get over my fear of being even near the water,eventually going into the water and then learning how to swim.

Hafeeza bano coming to Hajjat Fort had made me tremble because I knew what she could be capable of.I did not want to see Masuma begum because I knew somewhere within me that she knew what had happened at the lake but kept quiet for Hafeeza bano.I also held a dislike for the fact that ammi-jaan had to leave abu-jaan all because Masuma begum could not control her spoilt daughter.

"Bakshi,meri bachi,look at me." I pulled away from ammi-jaan's embrace,lifting my head so I could look at her,her eyes filled with tears and worry,striking my heart harder than any weapon could,"I know that you are afraid,my child.I cannot expect you to not be afraid because the person who haunted your dreams for years is going to be in front of you soon.But,Bakshi," Ammi-jaan wiped her tears away,her shoulders straightening as she looked me in the eye,her eyes changing from worry to darken,hope.

She cupped my cheek before reaching out to hold my other hand,"You are no longer that small child,standing on the edge of the lake,Bakshi.You are no longer drowning in the water,waiting for someone to save you.You are a warrior,you are the leader of a great cavalry and you are my daughter.You are proof of my upbringing and love.You are Bakshi Bano and you only bow before Allah."

I felt a hand on my shoulder,I turned my head to see Nusrat Bano's ring filled hand and I felt her tighten her hold,"You are the daughter of this fort,a magnificent burning fire that gives heat to those who know how to keep their distance and you know how to burn the one's who come too close.You are Bakshi,my parents third child.You are mine and Hakim Alla's sister.You have grown up around the bandi,khwajasara,urdubegis and soldiers of this fort.You have your cavalry a call away from you.You are not alone.You have always been our strength." Nusrat bano moved so she sat next to ammi-jaan,her hand now on my arm as looked at me with a burning gaze,that shone with her protectiveness for me,"Today,let us be your strength."

My emotions that had overtaken me at the moment of the realization that I would face my biggest nightmare had made me forget just who I had become.Ammi-jaan was right,I no longer would be able to be pushed into a river.I had ammi-jaan who loved me and had never made me feel like I am not her own.I had mamu-jaan who had tried day after day,week after week to be able to help me get over my fear of water.I had mami-jaan who had taught me how to wield a sword,so that if need be I could protect myself.I had Hakim bhaijaan who had taught me how to wrestle so that I could get out of situations that were harmful to me.I had Nusrat who had been a sister and friend,she had taught me that not every women in my life would put a sword through my back.