Forget-me-not

Seungmin

When everything first happened, Seungmin went quiet. After getting to the hospital, after finding Flora in Cynthia's hospital room and being pushed away, after collapsing in Chan's arms and bawling in the middle of the waiting room. There are times when the earth seems to freeze and nothing feels real.

Those occasional moments in life are rare for some and for others, it feels like they happen almost every day. There's a reason why some people feel like they're cursed. In that moment, the first look at Cynthia's unconscious body, her bruised face, the cut up fingers, and the scratches along her skull, he didn't know how to accept it.

Sometimes there are moments that drill themselves in your skull. It still kept Seungmin up at night on rough nights, the pure panic and shakiness in Changbin's voice when he told him he needed to get to the hospital because there was an accident involving Cynthia. He struggled to breathe through deflated lungs and with the collapsed weight of the world on his shoulders.

He didn't remember the drive there. He knew that Chan drove him to the hospital because Chan drove him back to his dorm afterwards. The brain has a funny way of dealing with the influx of traumatic information. In Seungmin's case, he was panicking.

He always found himself struggling with his words sometimes. Being in a band with seven other members, you have to teach yourself how to communicate. You have to get out the words when you don't like something. You have to learn to live with the admission of things. If you don't, the band will never grow properly. People don't know what you're thinking unless you tell them.

It was nerve-racking in the very beginning of everything. Singing in front of people, even back on the reality show, was difficult. Being around multiple other trainees who wanted to debut too, it was tough. The work was hard, but he managed to make it through. He grew with every experience.

After Cynthia's accident, some of him retreated back into that quietness. It was a hard thing to internally digest. He was blindsided by the waves of grief. There's never a strict set of rules when it comes to grief because everyone's grief journey is different.

Some people are swamped with depression. They might lose their appetite or they might switch to over-eating. Soaked in sadness, they'll cry and cry and cry. Others might be too numb to cry. When your heart is hollow and your organs feel empty, there's nothing to do, but soak in sadness.

Other times, it's fierce anger. The blood boils with red-hot rage. Life isn't fair and it's an upsetting and sometimes frustrating thing to come to terms with. People lash out at their loved ones. They destroy things around them. They'll do anything to release that stream of pent up fury.

There are other stages involved in grief, but these were the two that Seungmin felt the most. He fell out of the denial stage over the span of the first few days. There was no waking up from this nightmare, it was real life. There was nothing he could do to escape it.

Depression seemed to be the winner at the end of the day. If it wasn't for the rest of his band, he probably would have starved to death. Food wasn't an issue after a while. The stomach cramps of hunger faded away after a few days.

The first few times Seungmin rejected food, his roommates allowed it. Sure, it upset them, but they didn't want to push. However, when Seungmin nearly collapsed after standing up one day, Lee Know had enough. He couldn't and he wouldn't watch his younger member starve to death from grief.

He made sure Seungmin ate, at least, two meals. If Lee Know, Felix, or I.N had a schedule, he made sure one of the guys, from the other dorm, made sure he ate. The sight of Seungmin's cheekbones sinking in and the dark eye bags around his eyes becoming larger was a sight that nearly broke him.

During those times, Seungmin hated it. He always tried to get out of eating, but the guys wouldn't let him budge. Felix, very specifically, would make brownies for Seungmin to eat. He didn't tell any of the guys, but sometimes he let Seungmin eat brownies for dinner.

Sure, they weren't healthy and they were full of sugar, but Seungmin needed to eat something. Brownies were a better option than letting him starve. When Seungmin ate his food in silence, Felix told him all about his day with large hand movements and expressive expressions.

It helped distract Seungmin from the thoughts in his brain. When Seungmin seemed to go back to his blank look, Felix leaned over and gently poked his cheek pulling back his attention. He wrapped his small hands around Seungmin's. He hugged him from behind and refused to let go, even when it seemed to irritate him a little.

Seungmin never said it out loud, but Felix knew. For once, he didn't care. It was better to have Seungmin be a little upset rather than be sad. He clung to him and temporarily replaced the loneliness that Cynthia left behind.

Things felt like they'd never get better up until recently. Seungmin found his stomach growling and alerting him that he was hungry. When Felix was clingy at dinner, Seungmin poked and taunted him back. He slowly started to return the affection he used to give to I.N.

He even started to make fun of Chan for being the oldest again. When he said Chan was old, when they were in the recording studio days ago, Chan spun around in his chair so fast, he nearly fell out of his seat. Seungmin proceeded to tease him for it and Chan fell into laughter. Seungmin's teasing had never sounded so good before.

His mindset had slowly shifted. He went from thinking 'if Cynthia ever comes back' to 'when Cynthia gets back.' He was determined to get her back. When he got her back, the first thing he'd do is never let go of her again.

The guys would probably have to separate the two of them. Thinking about it caused tears to prick in his eyes. He spent so long being miserable and fighting an internal storm. He couldn't wait to see the sun again.

Cynthia was his sun. No matter what happened from now on, nobody would ever take that away from him. Even if he had to spend hours explaining everything to her, he'd never let her go. Even if they never got back together as a couple, she was someone he never wanted to lose.

As long as she was safe, he'd be happy.