Loving Olivia

Chapter 21 - Next Friday

Olivia

I would like to say that after Nico's pep talk I was magically cured and everything went back to normal again. But life doesn't work that way. Don't get me wrong, it did help me in a lot of ways, but I can't deny that I'm still in a funk. A helpless funk I just can't snap out of.

It's driving me crazy. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to wake up and feel excited about the day to come, but it all just feels so pointless. It's becoming a struggle and I hate myself for it. I hate my endless sour mood and my apathy for everything. I'm becoming so annoyed with myself that even I want to slap me.

I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time. If I keep going through the motions, it will eventually stop and I will become normal again. Wake up, go to school, go to work, put on a good face, repeat. But as each day passes, it seems nowhere in sight.

The thing that frightens me the most is that I will lose Nico in this battle. I hate what I am putting him through. Even if he's never said anything or complained, I'm placing an unwanted burden on his shoulders. I feel like it's not fair to him, especially since our relationship is so new.

This is supposed to be a time where everything is new and exciting. Where our biggest concern should be deciding what movie we're going to watch next or how far we'll take things between the sheets. Instead that's all been forgotten and replaced with my depressing mood.

They say birthdays and Valentine's Day can be kill relationships when you're just starting out. Try adding the death of a parent. No one in their right mind would want to be a part of that.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I wonder if I should just let him off the hook. He doesn't deserve this. But then the selfish part of me remembers how good it feels to be in his arms and how it would break me if I didn't have that. It would completely and utterly break me.

I blink and the red bold numbers written on my Human Development midterm come into focus again.

Thirty-seven.

They're taunting me, reminding me of how hopeless I've become. Never in my life have I failed a test, let alone failed one so badly. At first I thought it might have been on a fifty point scale and swallowed the average result, but now I wish I were that lucky. It's a thirty-seven out of one hundred. And it burns like hell.

I shake my head and look up at the classroom clock, realizing I've wasted twenty minutes of the lecture lost in my negative, downward spiraling thoughts. It's insane how a test score can have such a strong and immediate impact, it results in a slippery slope of self loathing and irrational fears.

I shove the test into my bag, wanting so badly to rip it up into a million pieces instead. I imagine how good that would feel, but then I'm reminded I'll need to study my mistakes and possibly beg my professor for a retake. I wonder if it's too late to drop the class, but it might just be my best bet at this point and cut my losses.

I notice Gael peering at me from the seat beside mine, but I can't bring myself to look at him. I don't know why. It's like I'm ashamed or something. He's already been helping me so much by sharing all his notes and studying with me, but even with that I can't seem to get my life in order.

I walk out of class feeling completely gutted, praying this day would just be over with. It's already a wash. No matter what happens, I won't be able to get over it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Nico finds me in the hallway and I put on a brave face. I don't want to bother him with this on top of everything else.

I see the concern in his eyes as he looks at me, but thankfully he doesn't say anything. He slips his hand into mine. "Take a walk with me?"