New Beginnings.

19

I sat up in my bed, groaning as I remembered the strange events from the early morning. I checked my phone for the time and realized I had left it in the living room. I let my feet hang over the side before I stood up and stretched out. Slowly and nervously, I made my way to the door, opening it as quietly as possible. I peeked around like the chicken I was feeling like and saw what appeared to be an empty living room, so I headed down the hall. I immediately regretted that decision when I saw Cullen standing in my kitchen, holding a mug of coffee. 

His eyes grew wide as he saw me standing there. I walked straight to the couch and retrieved my phone from the coffee table. It was afternoon, and I had no messages or calls from Liam. I scrolled through and saw that Tarran had invited me to lunch with her and Millie during their break at the mall, a text from Stacia letting me know they would be heading home today, and another text from my Mother. My stomach heaved a little at that one. It was short, just wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving and telling me that she missed me. I held my phone and turned to face Cullen and all the embarrassment. He smiled at me, sitting the mug down."Why are you still here?" I fussed.

"I told you, I didn't want you to be alone." He answered as if it were obvious.

"Well, it's daylight now; there are no more scary monsters. I think I'm safe." I spat, walking to the refrigerator and getting some juice.

"You're angry with me." He stated, moving to sit at the counter.

"I'm angry with myself," I mumbled.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He questioned.

I glared at him. He sighed, running his hand over his chin where stubble was forming.

"I'm sorry. I didn't kiss you back because you have a boyfriend, Avery. I know you wouldn't want that, and I don't want to be that guy. It was not because of lack of desire, trust me."  I stood, listening to him and feeling embarrassed all over again.  "I stayed because I told you I was going to stay so you wouldn't be alone. I tried to get your boyfriend to come back over, but I could not, as you can see. I stayed this morning, so I could at least explain myself." Cullen explained.

"Thank you. For the explanation and for staying. I'm sorry for being so childish." I apologized, keeping my head down, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

"You're welcome." He smirked.

"You talked to Liam?" I asked, referencing what he had said earlier.

"No, not directly. Tarran said he had gone home. I got his number from your phone and tried to call him, but he didn't answer my call or text." He shrugged. "I'm sorry, I wasn't nosey; I just got his number and left it at that."

I grabbed my phone and sent a text first to Liam. If he hadn't answered Cullen and hadn't reached out to me, I was a little concerned something may be wrong. That fear quickly dashed when he text me back saying he was busy but would call me later. I had to admit that it stung a little; I knew he was frustrated with me.

"Everything ok?" Cullen asked, noticing my expression.

"Nope. Never. But I'm used to it." I pouted, starting my pity party.

"What is it?" Cullen asked of genuine concern.

"I'm damaged goods, and I damage anyone who gets too close. Stacia is the only survivor, by some miracle."

"Damaged goods? Definitely not."

"You want to get real?" I yelled, feeling suddenly confident and open, wanting to let Cullen know just who I was. 

"I've been passed around like a toy from foster home to foster home and from my Mother's various drugged-out boyfriends. That guy, the one that hit me in the alleyway? He raped me when I was a teenager in such a way that I still have nightmares. I'm so scared to be truly intimate with someone because of these experiences, and Liam, I think he's getting tired of it. I don't know how to do these things, relationships. It's always been me on my own, fending for myself until Stacia's family took me in. Even then, I felt more like a pet than a kid with a home. They fed and watered me, let me loose on a leash, and made sure I was healthy, just the basics. I'm grateful for that, but I don't know what love feels like, and I don't. . . Damnit! I don't want to be like this, always confused and stressed by every emotion. I worked my ass off to get here, to get to college without help, and now here I am, screwing this up too." I was a blubbering mess. 

I had confessed things out of nowhere to Cullen sitting here in my kitchen that even Stacia wasn't aware of. I had never honestly admitted how deep the sexual abuse had gone in my past. "See, I'm angry with myself because I keep trying, and I don't know why I just haven't given up yet. I'm damaged." I used my sleeve to wipe my tears, standing there feeling vulnerable and free at the same time. It wasn't the same way as when I had told Liam; it wasn't even the same way as when I had told Stacia that day on the phone or explained to her parents a very watered-down version of why I wanted out of the foster home. This was the most authentic and honest I had ever been."Are you done?" Cullen asked quietly. His response was irritating me slightly.

"Am I done?" I repeated, confused.

Cullen stood walking over to me, looking me in the eyes.

"You haven't given up because you're badass. You're strong, and you are not damaged. If Liam can't be patient with you, then he's not the one for you. The anger you feel isn't at yourself; you're angry at the world, and damn right you should be. All those who failed you, fuck them. You are not your past; you are not what has happened to you. Avery, I have known you all for a few days, and I can see the determination and strength in those eyes of yours. You're here right now because of your strength; you are here right now because you're a warrior! You get knocked down, and you fight right back and keep going; that's amazing, that's not damaged." He spoke sternly at me, never losing eye contact. I stood, soaking in his words. I appreciated that he never apologized or showed pity; I enjoyed the sternness with which he spoke.

"Tell that idiot if he can't handle the warrior that you are and go by your rules, then he can go on to find someone else because you are worthy of so much more." He pushed a stray hair out of my face and smiled at me, then returned to his seat at the counter as if the whole interaction had never occurred, leaving me breathless.

*Cullen is starting to be my favorite.  Are you Team Cullen or Team Liam?  Let me know below!  Don't forget to vote and follow!*