The Emotional Mess [SLOW UPDATES]

1.

I am Prerna dixit and I stay in Mumbai and I am 15 years old!
I love watching bollywood movies and imagining my perfect bollywood inspired love story.. currently I am addicted to this song how much I would love someone to sing it for me. But it's a dream anyway after all even Sweetu ( who played prietys friend in kal ho na ho) was incessantly bullied in the entire film!

Now you would wonder why I mentioned it would be a dream. Its coz I am fat. And when even bollywood films didn't represent me fictionally why would a guy love me in reality.

Yes, I am fat and I so hate it when people say I am cute why can't I be hot 😤.

Being fat is an adjective and I don't mind being referred to it after all adjectives are used to describe a part of someone's personality and are not their entire personality. But here fat is used to shame someone and degrade them. People stare at you as if you have guns in your hand.

Let someone be as they want no ones getting harmed by my body.

I was busy thinking all this when someone knocked on my door. It was my mom her name is mohini dixit. She is the person I love the most but also the first one who referred my stomach as pot while patting on it infront of strangers. I was in legit 1st grade at that time.

People always say to forget the past but when the past is always repeated how does one easily forget..

Prerna- Haan bolo kya chahiye?? ( yes say what you want )

Mom- What will you have for breakfast?

Prerna- Kuch bhi ! ( Anything )

Honestly it's so hard to decide what to eat especially when you love more of junk then healthy.

Mom- I have made poha eat if you want.

Prerna- I don't like poha. I will have maggi

Mom- OK eat !! That's all you eat anyway and think about losing weight.

She pokes my stomach and leaves..

When people keep saying to lose weight how am I supposed to do anyway. They say to lose but never encourage.. how annoying. In all these situations it's only maggi which comforts me

I know it's unhealthy especially since I gained weight by eating maggi everyday in my childhood. But I love it 😀 waise bhi jeene ke hai 4 din!!

( anyway u live for 4 days)

I think all this while making maggi. It's ready and I drool over it.
I finish eating it and decide to log on for my online class..

It's physics which is boring so let me tell u more about myself. I am an only child. Which I hate coz sometimes I wish I had a sibling who would understand me or to whom I could tell everything. At this point I have no one to speak too even my friends seem to be fake and I am excluded.
As much as I would like to think it isn't for my weight I low-key know it is

Its a weird feeling when all girls in my class have some male friends I don't even have one true friend. I hate talking to guys coz somehow I always felt insecure.. I try to be confident on outside but inside my souls just broken. I see a guy and run outside.

Also my class only has girls so they make friends from Instagram where I don't accept requests from unknown people known as guys.. I know I want friends and I am fucked up as I don't accept unknown requests.

But its just that I overthink the worst possible outcome. What if a guy kills me? What if he scams me? What if he hacks my account?

It's like I built too many walls that now no one knows the real me and I come across as arrogant.

I ponder over my thoughts and then a lone tear escapes as I realise I made being fat my entire existence even though I originally didn't intend that.

My teacher calls my name and asks me a question. I see one of my classmates typed in chat and I repeat the answer.

Haash! Today I was saved...😂

I decide to concentrate in class and something kicks my mind.

Omgg!!!

I just realised I didn't get my periods!!!!!

A/N

This was my first chapter. I hope you enjoyed it and please comment and let me know if the chapter is short or it's fine.
Bhool chook maaf kar do😊